Sex and the Suburbs: How are you still single?

I cant begin to count how many times I have been asked this daunting question. This wasnt supposed to happen to someone like me Ive been in long-term relationships the majority of my dating life. I am a petite, educated, attractive, fit and independent woman. I am down to earth, but definitely have a wild side that comes out here and there. I am not the sorry ass old maid type at all, yet, still I remain single! But truthfully, I think even though I have devoted all this time to each and every failing relationship, I just might be dating the wrong guys. SHOCKING I know, but alas it is absolutely the truth.

Fast forward to now ? In my 30s, established in my career, secure with my relationships, in the best physical and mental shape of my life and very S-I-N-G-L-E! Well, after realizing that Mr. Perfect was not going to seek me out and sweep me off my feet combined with the torture of seeing most of my friends getting married, having children and buying houses, I finally folded and succumbed to my dreaded fate which was to join the rest of the people my age in the trend of internet dating. Dont get me wrong, I love, love, love living alone and I have an awesome pad, but one thing is still missing.

Before I get into the any trials and tribulations of online dating, let me tell you about some recent dates that have influenced me to pursue online dating

I decided to go out one night with a girlfriend from work to a popular city in my state that is known to have a singles scene. I am not really into that scene, but my friend wanted to go so I figured Id give it a shot. We go into a packed bar of YUPPIES yuck! Everyone looks like a clone ? Same short hair, button down in various pastel colors, jeans and shitty pick up lines. Ok, I can do this So I go in and take off my jacket exposing my tattoos. TEACHABLE MOMENT GUYS Dont ask a girl what her tattoos mean. It is a highly annoying overused pick-up line that will only make the girl think you suck! Use this line and you probably wont be getting laid! I make my way around the bar ignoring all tattoo comments and trying not to open my mouth and say something that will get me in trouble. After a while I meet this sarcastic guy who is pretty much making fun of everyone in the place ? My kind of guy!!! Well, minus the button down and slicked back hair, but at least we have some humor! For future reference, we shall call this guy Lyin Brian ? fuck protecting his name, he doesnt deserve it! We talk it up, drink it up and I give him the digits ? done deal! He calls and we talk throughout the week. Conversation is flowing and he seems pretty down to earth. A bit younger than me but has a good job and is intelligent and so we set up a dinner date for the next Saturday night at 7pm.

This is the story of what NOT to do on a first date! Or a second, third or fourth date for that matter

Fast forward to Saturday

Noon– Phone Rings:

LyinBrian tells me that he is going to a Met game during the day with his friend. I ask if he wants to reschedule and he says no so we are still on for later.

MISTAKE #1 – NEVER take someone out after a sporting event with your boys! Getting riled up and drinking before a date is not a good idea!

4pm- Phone Rings:

Lyin Brian: Hey, what are you doing?

Myself: Just got out of the shower

Lyin Brian:I am coming over with a bottle of wine … he sounds kind of buzzed.

Myself: It is only 4:00. Have you been drinking?

LyinBrian: Only a beer or two. Cmon, what is your address?

Myself: Wait, what? I am not ready, I still have some things to do and I just got out of the shower.

Lyin Brian: Good, I want to see what you look like when you are not done up.

Myself: This is not a good idea. I dont want to drink right now and you told me 7:00.

LyinBrian: Well then I have to go and shower at my friends house and there are a bunch of girls over there

** He is trying to sway me thinking I am jealous **

Myself:Oh well, guess you will have to do that then. The earliest I can do is 6:30

LyinBrian:Fine as he mumbles and grunts

This is when I should have called it quits, but I didnt.

6:30 pm: He picks me up and we head to the city. On the way he is messing around and swerving and bucking the car. Seeing that I am less than amused he comments to me that I need to relax, stop being so uptight and just have a good time. He also makes several statements suggesting we get drunk when we get to the city. When I ask about dinner plans, he responds that he is not hungry and goes on to say that he doesnt really eat on the weekends, weekends are for drinking. I let him know that since he set it up as a dinner date, I would need to eat something since I hadnt eaten at all. After an attitude, he agrees to watch me eat! I ask him if we can stop at an ATM real quick since I only have $5.oo on me and he insists it is unnecessary. HELP! This can only lead to bad things

We walk into a restaurant/club, I check my coat and he immediately begins making inappropriate sexually charged comments to the hostess. I am so embarrassed! He orders a bottle of wine and we share it while I eat and he talks about himself. When the waitress asks if we want dessert, he responds, Only if it includes whipped cream and you!. At this point, I AM MORTIFIED! I speak to him like a would a disobedient child and let him know that he must cut the crap because his behavior is unacceptable and immature. He apologizes and tries to kiss me. Eww no. After a torturous meal we head over to the bar/lounge area of the club. No more wine for me as I am feeling pretty buzzed but he pushes me to have another drink. I stick to my safe drink Jack and DietAnother bad idea! I am buzzing pretty hard at this point.

While he is waiting to order drinks I notice him talking to two girls at the bar. Nice! Takes the pressure off me for a minute. or so I thought until I hear him call me over there. Without hesitation he introduces his newfriends to me, Girl 1 and Girl 2, this is Jillshe is a lesbian. After a slight mini stroke I shoot him the look of death and signal him to walk to a private area so I can give him another time-out where he again gives a false apology and attempts to kiss me. Hell No! He goes back to bar and begins fartingI KID YOU NOT and yelling aloud, Damn, who farted!?. Can this really be happening??

All of a sudden I see some familiar faces.Could it be? Thank god! Some of my brothers frat boy friends happen to be there. I go up to one and he asks me what the hell I am doing with a loser like that. I explain the scenario and decide I am going to make an attempt to get out of this situation. I go up to Lyin Brian and tell him I cant drink anymore and would like to go home. At that point he begins to pout like a two year old and blurts out,I dont wanna go home! This is the worst date ever!. I am thinking I agree but for who???? I tell him to fuck off and that I am leaving. He refuses to give me my coat check ticket so after over an hour of searching through coats and giving them my only $5, I coerce a cab driver to take me to an ATM machine so I can get home. $70 later, I finally get home. Thank god it is over That is until I get that drunken phone call at 5am in which he left me a message telling me how weird I am and instructing me never to call him again! Talk about having to get the last word inI think that was established when I left your ass in the city and cabbed it home, but it is not worth the effort of getting worked up. Lets just chalk it up to a really, really, really bad date!

Let the good times begin!

Let me back-track for just a minute I have been privy to the online dating scene before, however at the time, I wasnt really ready for it. I am not proud to say that the last time I sort of used that experience as a 3 month ego boost after my last break-up. Did I mention that it happened to be the same site? This could be a recipe for disaster and I am skeptical to say the least Especially when I tell my friends who of course are all in serious relationships. Lets just say that their reactions were less than favorable Are you serious?Arent you embarrassed?That is for desperate people Why would you do that? etc Good Times! Fuck it though, what is the big deal really? I mean as we get older, we are all busy with responsibilities, have met all of our friends, sisters, best-friends brothers and sisters and the bar scene is not exactly the ideal meeting spot, so why not give it a try. Besides, if they are seeing me on this website, chances are that they too are in my situation and at least I wont be subjected to the dreaded question of why I am 30 something and still single, right?? Continued on next page…