Lets face it; college isn’t all sunshine and buttercups (or easy drunk girls and endless amounts of drugs if you don’t like sunshine or flowers). There are things and life lessons you learn in college that you won’t learn anywhere else. There are always the guys and girls that you will find in every class, but sometimes it’s being surrounded by these people that drive you nuts! Unfortunately in order to learn these things you will be subjected to never ending occurrences and scenarios that will drive you insane. Being a junior in college myself  here’s a list (in no particular order) of things in college that will annoy the living hell out of you. Number one is the only exception to the “no particular order” phrase.

NUMBER 10: THE KID WHO THINKS HE’S IN HIGH SCHOOL (THE IMMATURE FLOOR MATE)

No matter how late you got to bed last night or how early your early classes are, this kid still manages to pump out practical jokes at any hour. Sure the first few times are funny, hilarious even. But while you’re studying for a History of English Language exam he’s in the dorm hallway rigging another trap for you to fall in. What’s so annoying about this kid is not only does he act like a high school freshmen, but he can’t take what he dishes out. If you so much as airhorn him while he’s asleep or follow a statement he’s belted out with a “thats what she said!” you’ll be sure to receive a maelstrom of whining and uncalled for rage and surely retaliation in the form or crumpled up Cheez Its in your bed. The best way to deal with him is to punch him in the nuts when he pranks you or just ignore him altogether.  He will go away eventually, or grow up.

NUMBER 9: THE R.A WHO TAKES THEIR JOB TOO SERIOUSLY

If this person so much as catches a whiff of alcohol or marijuana, consider yourself F’ed in the A.  Just like when your parents didn’t believe you when you said it about your teachers, this individual has it out for you. They’ll make sure to make campus life as drab and boring as possible, especially for you. What’s most annoying about this person is that when they do catch you in the act they scold and reprimand you like it ISN’T  normal to find a hallway littered with empty liquor bottles, beer can pyramids, and a dirty bong just sitting in the bathroom because you forgot to clean it. I thought we all went to college to learn how to drink, score with women and (somewhere in those four years) get an education? Not when this R.A. is on duty.

NUMBER 8: THE GUY WHO CANT HOLD HIS LIQUOR

This specimen can come in two forms.; a real douchebag bro type of guy who claims he can drink anyone from you to Dionysus under the table, and the quiet guy no one hears a word out of until he’s had three shots of the good ol’ Captain.  There is no need to explain the differences between these men because they have one thing in common; they cant drink for shit.  This usually results in them pretending to be way more drunk than they really are (which is hilarious because then you and your drunk buddies can make fun of him), or getting way too drunk and vomiting on something or someone. Then you can still make fun of them because hey, if you cant hold your liquor you deserve to be made fun of.

NUMBER 7: THE ONE UPPER

You can find a one upper at any social gathering, but college is where the one upper is can let his “Im an asshole” flag really fly. This man has made it his duty to let you and everyone know that you’re better than him. You’ve banged three girls? Well he’s banged six and a half. You don’t care about the War in Iraq? Well screw you champ, because he cares even less. The best/worst/most annoying part about this guys demeanor is that in any (read: ANY) conversation you’re having that he can hear, he will find some crack in your defense, any chip in your armor to make you look like an idiot, and him look like Javier Bardem in No Country For Old Men (which in case you havent seen it, a badass).

NUMBER 6: THE PIG PEN

He isnt annoying because he’s mean or grouchy; most men should be ornery and irate or else you have a chemical imbalance. He’s annoying simply because the dry paint on your walls was once wetter than his washcloth or shower shoes will ever be. You have to breath out of your mouth and risk looking like a moron just to be in the same room as this guy. What’s even worse about him is when you try to call him out on it and he denies it or for the real kicker blames it on you. God forbid if you have to (like me when I was a freshman) room with this kid. Not only does he smell,  but his side of the room looks like the battlefield from the first scene in Gladiator. Either that or he’ll just spill ice cream on the floor and fall asleep without cleaning it up.

NUMBER 5: THE PROFESSOR WHO GIVES TOO MUCH HOMEWORK

Yes we all have had these instructors in all levels of schooling, but college is where it’s the worst. It’s like they have nothing better to do, so they drop ass loads of homework on your plate come Friday or even on Monday just for shits and giggles. This leaves you to a swirling miasma of papers and frequently diving to a textbook to make sure you cited a quote correctly. At the end of the night you lay awake in your bed rehashing all the work you’ve done and pray to whatever God you worship that you didnt forget something. But it’s all in vain, for when their class rolls around again they won’t even check to see if you completed the homework. This leaves you cussing at the professor under you breath for giving you hand cramps and possibly CBing you because of the party you missed because of their homework.

NUMBER 4: THE GIRL WHO THINKS LAST NIGHT WAS MORE THAN IT REALLY WAS

So you’ve had a couple of drinks and you’re feeling loose and confident. You’ve been honing your skills in the art of mackin’ hoes and you land yourself a girl. Regardless of if it was a simple make out session or a trip to your room to “talk somewhere in private” the next day she’s blowing up your cell phone like there’s no tomorrow.  The sheer volume of texts voicemails and facebook messages is making your head hurt. Why can’t she just understand it was a one time thing? You were just looking for something to hook up with, and you landed on her. Yeah it’s her lucky night but dammit why won’t she go away?

NUMBER 3: PUBLIC SAFETY

Campus Patrol; Campus Security; Public Safety. These are some of the clever names used to cover up what this fraternal order of reject cops really is; Nazis. While they do come in handy when shit really does hit the fan (fires bomb threats and such) 90% of their shift is making your life as miserable and dull as possible with the help of the busy body R.A. . Couple that with their power to actually detain you and (if you’re really feeling up to being a martyr for a cause) beating the crap out of you with a mag lite or nightstick Public Safety is a constant thorn in most college guys sides.  While attending school in Connecticut (University of Hartford to be exact) a Public Safety officer tried ticketing me my last day attending the school.  Maybe he didnt know it was my last day but then again the Director of Residential Life did know me by first name. Foul play anyone?

NUMBER 2: THE GIRL WHO CAN’T HOLD HER LIQUOR

Unlike the guy mentioned above this girl only comes in one form; annoying loud drunk bitch. The worst part about her is that few and far between will she NOT be at the same party you’re at. Couple that with the drama she’s had to endure in her oh so turbulent life the past week, and it all comes out after she downs 2 shots of bacardi and a game of beer pong.  What’s even more annoying about her is that when she’s drunk in her mind it’s Carte Blanche to do the most rude of things from spilling stuff on you and not apologizing  to spitting and cussing like a man and generally being a catty annoying bitch. Being a man yourself you cannot do anything to stop her, for raising a hand to a woman is like asking Chuck Norris if he buffs helmets; you just don’t do it. To brave this storm you’ll need a girl who is one of the guys, yet feminine enough to put her in her place. If a wrestling match between the two ensues and clothing is lost do nothing; the College Gods are smiling on you.

NUMBER 1: BEING CB’ED, THE ACT OF CB-ING, AND ANYTHING TO DO WITH CB-ING AT ALL

If you dont know what CBing is, then either you havent had it happen to you (which means you’re incredibly lucky) or you shouldn’t be here. CockBlocking (hence CB) is the basically a crime in which a man or woman will purposefully prevent you from having amorous transaction with a female that night. No one ever accidentally cockblocks someone unless you or they are just really unlucky. What’s most annoying about cockblocking is that no matter how you slice it everyone loses. The only person who wins in these god awful scenarios are the people doing the blocking, but they really don’t win because they are just sourpusses who are mad because they aren’t getting/trying to get any. This ties in with the saying “misery loves company”. If the blocker was rejected by a girl or isn’t getting any action, then no one will.

In your four years of attending higher learning you will encounter these scenarios so often in the first two that you may end up writing an article about it. Wait what?