Topical Cream, 7.02.10

The Last Airbender: I?ll be honest here. I think M. Night Shyamalan is an overpaid hack. He made one great movie (Sixth Sense), two I don?t mind watching (Signs and Unbreakable) and the rest has been a slow slide into everything plodding, pedantic and preachy (too much alliteration? pot calling the kettle ?hack?). That said, the visuals I?ve seen for Last Airbender look spectacular. If M. managed to keep his strange spirituality issues out of this one, it might be a return to form.

Bring back the Cold War: Why would I say such a thing? Because RUSSIAN SPIES ARE HOT! How many times did James Bond battle a statuesque lady Rooskie, gain the upper hand, then have a hot international roll in the hay? Plenty. I know they don?t all look that way in real life, but Anna Chapman, who was recently arrested for spying, fits the bill. Watch the video link and see if you don?t concur, tovarisch.

#failedpornotitles: These kinds of hashtags have the lifecycle of a mayfly. They are born, take a while to get off the ground, eat, mate, lay eggs and then die, all in one day. Usually by 1am you will?unfriend anyone who tries to write a new example. But somewhere in that nebulous middle stage, some genius comes out. Examples: @Masterskdm: How to train your Dragon. @RickEngelbrecht: When Harry Wet Sally. No, I didn?t write any. Ever since my first film ?Crouching Hooker, Hidden Penis? debuted, I refuse to give it away for free any more.

Kids have all the fun!: Yes, that is what you think it is. A freaking MMA-approved kid?s bed in the shape of a fighting cage. They call it the Throwdown Bed. I?m sure I?m not the first guy to lament the fact that these kinds of things can?t be made for big boys. I say can?t, because I think we all know what would happen if you?asked a lady back to your place and invited her to get down on something like this? right, you?d get your ass kicked. Cool touch: they?ll put your self-chosen badass nickname on the back post.

World Cup runneth over: Yep, America?s out, but in a way, it?s because we never bring our ?A? game. And I?m talking about the ladies when I say that. Check out the Paraguayan woman with the unique cell-phone holster linked here. Can you imagine one of our delightful-but-reserved Yank ladies pulling that off with such aplomb? If we want to be taken seriously on the world stage, we need to step up our game in the inappropriate public fashion department.

Craigslist isn?t entirely useless: Nerve magazine, which I definitely read for the articles, has a fantastic ?Internet Meme Hall of Fame: Craigslist Edition? posted right now. For sheer spit-take value, the headline ?Shrunken Pet Head Amulet? is tough to beat. As is the photo display that accompanies ?Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch?.

: Happy Fourth of July!