Topical Cream, 3.19.10

Repo Men: In the new movie, a high-tech company provides synthetic organs for transplant, with the caveat that non-payment of the massive debt leads to repossession of the parts in question. Ouch. Jude Law is the main character, so you know there has to be a love interest. In this case, it?s new hottie Alice Braga, who made her U.S. debut opposite Will Smith in I Am Legend. We didn?t see much of her in the post-apocalyptic downer, so it?ll be nice to get further acquainted when Repo Men comes out this weekend.

Rielle Hunter: Former Democratic presidential contender John Edwards had a daughter with his mistress, Rielle Hunter. The other woman recently gave an interview to GQ and then inexplicably posed for some pantsless photos to illustrate her words. Now that the photos are out there, she has the temerity to claim she?s ?repulsed? and feels betrayed. New rule: if you don?t want people to see you with your pants off, don?t take your pants off. It?s a logical plan that I tacitly endorse but find practically impossible to adhere to in my day-to-day life.

British Driving: Driving on the wrong side of the road is just the beginning. Recently British cops (Bobbies? Do they still call them that?) pulled a woman over for driving with her hood (brit slang: bonnet) open. A male driver was ticketed for attempting to roll a cigarette (brit slang: fag) while steering with his elbows (brit slang: cocks and chickens). OK: one of the slang expressions I provided above is false. Can you guess which one?

Tiger Woods Back in Golf: Tiger once yelled at a guy for clicking a camera shutter during his backswing. Which makes me wonder how a guy that easily distracted ever managed to satisfy so many mistresses. Regardless, the world?s greatest golfer is going to have to grow a much thicker skin when he returns to pro golf in April, just in time for the Masters. We have a notion he might hear a snicker or fifty from the gallery.

#iknowyougotaman: This Twitter tag is attached to short posts about how various dudes try to talk their way past that whole ?boyfriend problem? some women seem to have. Some of them are funny, but regular readers of this magazine will recognize amateurs when they see them.

Zero Out Your Hard Drive: Computers these days last between three to five years before they are too slow to run any new software, or have too little memory left from all the porn you?ve jammed into the microprocessors. So, once you decide to get rid of the old laptop, how to you ensure that nobody finds it and steals your identity (or your porn)? Turns out just moving everything to that bulging ?recycle bin? doesn?t do a damn thing to actually get rid of data. A few companies are now selling software that literally scribbles all over your bits and bytes, overwriting the whole schmeer with zeroes. Nothin? from nothin? leaves nothin?.

Left-Coast Hotties:

The Pac-10 conference didn?t fare to well this college basketball season. If Washington hadn?t upset Cal in the conference tourney final, only one league school might have made an appearance in the NCAA tournament. Buck up, though, west-coasters. It is my firmly-held belief that, as a group, the Pacific 10 conference has the hottest cheerleaders and dance team members on the planet. And that counts for quite a lot, actually.