Topical Cream, 3.05.10

Eugenia Chernyshova: I had no idea who this woman was yesterday, but she became one of google?s top searches based on some sexy dancing she did with Quentin Tarantino recently. If you look closely at the photograph, I think you can see that Tarantino is actually wearing blue suede shoes. I hope he broke out some of Travolta?s moves from Pulp Fiction, because the ?grab her hips and hump like there?s no tomorrow? move is pretty over-the-top as foreplay goes.

Alice in Wonderland movie: I like Johnny Depp, I really do. But I?ve had it up to here *points at sweeping prosthetic ginger eyebrows* with Johnny Depp acting like a goddamn pixie. I get the sense that Tim Burton fans buy tickets based on how squeaky Depp?s voice is in the trailer. Speaking of the trailer, isn?t the book about Alice? I don?t get the sense the movie?s much about her.

Tin foil man cave: It?s pretty common knowledge by now that the tin foil hat does an imperfect job of blocking government mind control. That?s why some inspired lunatic lined his entire garage with shiny stuff. And he didn?t just tape it up, there?s some real craftsmanship going on. I get a kick out of the idea of him shouting to his wife: ?Hon! Have you seen my Chipotle burrito? I know I just had it!?

Old Spice: Formerly your grandpa?s deodorant, Old Spice has made themselves relevant again by turning in ads full of hilarious non-sequiters. The tagline ?Men should smell like jet fighters and punching? is fantastic. Judging by the Old Spice website, they?re going to drive this ?man your man could smell like? gag into the ground in record time, so we might as well laugh with it now, before it becomes this generation?s ?Whazzzuuuup!?

Married to the Sea: This is one of those love-it-or-hate-it kind of things. The single-panel cartoon comes out daily, with quirky modern humor laid on top of the types of illustrations you?d expect to see in an old copy of Jane Eyre or a national parks brochure. You can put it in your RSS feed and read it daily, or do what I do and wait until the end of the month and overdose. I even bought one of their shirts, an essential for the starving writer: it says ?Shakespeare got to get paid, son.?

Sporcle: If reading this column hasn?t killed enough of your workday, hit the link and have a lost weekend. Sporcle is online quizzes, but not the Facebook variety. Topics run the gamut from obvious: the periodic table and the Simpsons, to the arcane: U.S. Presidents in reverse and movie villains sorted by their crimes. If you don?t like what they have, suggest one of your own ? the site runs on good ideas from addicted readers.

Maggie Gyllenhaal: In the new movie Crazy Heart, Maggie falls for The Dude. At least Jeff Bridges looks like his Big Lebowski character on the poster: all long hair and chin-beard. I don?t really care what it?s about; the cast looks stellar. And I?ll watch anything with Maggie Gyllenhaal in it. She somehow manages to combine heart-stopping blue eyes with a girl-next-door smile and a long, tall, sexy body. All that and she can really act, too.