On the Reason For a Random Celebrity Generator

Attention programmers, engineers and web designers with too much time on their hands: I want a Random Celebrity Generator. What this is is simple: I want at the press of a mouse button a program that will give me the name of a random celebrity. If possible, it should be spoken in the voice of Abe Vigoda.

Why do I want this? Simple.

Everyday we are bombarded with stories on this person who is sleeping with that person and cheating on that person and in rehab with that person. Inevitably, it is all blamed on celebrity culture and how they were raised to believe that they should have everything on a silver platter. It’s easy to think that’s true with the twenty-four hour news cycles on the latest teen heartthrob*, movie star or gorgeous starlet. But is that true? With the handy-dandy random celebrity generator, you can quickly put this argument to a Taylor Swift** halt.

*You know, this may be the first weekend that I don’t know what Abe Vigoda is doing. I need to replace the batteries on my Vigodacam.

** See what I did there? Celebrity as an adjective. I Vigodaed you, meaning I blew your mind. High five. But, that was without a random celebrity generator with the additional keyword functionality. I had to use my own brain. It took me twelve minutes to come up with that. But, in my defense, I was a little drunk.

For example, your friend Buck* says that he knows that all of Hollywood is on drugs. You say, no, that’s silly. Your friend Vigoda** looks like he’s siding with Buck. Buck looks to close the conversation with his ol’ favorite, “I was a pro-bull rider, I know.”

* His real name is Frank, but he was a pro-bull rider before he went back to college to become an accountant.

** So called because of his striking similarity to Abe Vigoda, which isn’t that surprising of a nickname and probably doesn’t need an explanation.

Just say, well, how about we bet five bucks and go to the Random Celebrity Generator. Set a number of celebrities you want to prove your point. If more than half are drug-fueled folks like Noltes, Buseys, Winehouses or Lohans, then you’re going to be out a five spot. But if you have a heap of vanilla in the form of Hankses, Courics, Jonases and Vigodas, then you’ll show that bull rider you’re the one with horns. Meaning you’re the bull. And he messed with you … you’ll have to think of your own analogy depending on your friend’s nickname.

You need another example why a Random Celebrity Generator is a good idea, you say? Well maybe you want all of the excitement of a dead pool* but with none of the fuss or strange internet searches like “old fat and cancer”. Just tell the Random Celebrity Generator you need ten names, and you can still be cool without any of the guilt.

* This works the same with any pool – like your Golden Globe nominations pool, your Emmy nomination pool, your Grammy nomination pool, your Oscar nomination pool or your Tony nomination pool, because for goodness sakes, if Al Gore has two of these, I mean Abe Vigoda could win one. What? You don’t have a Golden Globe nomination pool, let alone a Tony nomination pool? Really? Then I just meant the Random Celebrity Generator would be good for a dead pool. That’s it.

So, please, please grant my Groundhog’s Day wish and get me a Random Celebrity Generator. Please, think of the children and do it for the gambling. Certainly not because I need random celebrities to make weird topical pop culture humor and my brain is stuck on Abe Vigoda. Not that there’s anything wrong that.

Which brings me to my next request, the random TV/Movie quote generator. Without these advances, can we really, truly be free to make good conversation?