Top Five Sports to Follow at the Winter Olympics

The Winter Olympics are about upon us as the opening ceremonies are set to begin on February 12th. But, unless you are reading from Canada (if so, good day, eh) or are Scandinavian (if so, that helmet with horns becomes you), the only winter sports you may know are snowball fighting and drerving (which is of course driving while swerving on ice.) Never fear, here is your guide to make viewing the Olympics easier.

The first important date is the very next day, February 13th. This is the men’s downhill event. Maybe you drive a motorcycle, so then eighty miles an hour down a snow-covered hill with a padded suit and a helmet as your only protection may not be that impressive. For the rest of us, watching guys ski faster than you can legally travel on interstates is pretty cool.

Next up on February 18th is the men’s 20 km Biathlon. This fantastic sport combines cross-country skiing for twelve miles and shooting. That’s right, shooting. I just hope this eventually becomes the triathlon and combines skiing, shooting and drerving, which could then just be renamed the James Bond. Or maybe it would be cool if instead of shooting targets they shot old Celine Dion CDs. Either way, this is a sport with huge upside. Maybe Vince McMahon will create the XBL.

Later that day and finishing on February 19th is the men’s skeleton. If you can’t tell, I place a high priority on fast. In this wonderful sport, speeds again approach eighty miles an hour, however this time you don’t have any way to steer or brake. Suddenly even those guys on motorcycles don’t feel that dangerous and rebellious. Take that motorcycle guys.

February 20th brings about large hill ski jumping. In this case, it isn’t nearly as fast (only nearing sixty miles and hour) but at the end you jump and stay in the air for nearly six seconds. What it lacks in fast, it makes up for in, “Holy shit, I’m flying.” Plus, the chance to see the agony of defeat is always a plus.

For the rest of the time, try to catch as much hockey as possible as that is one sport that you can follow on a yearly basis. That way, when someone says, “How about that Alexander Ovechkin,” you aren’t thinking about what you missed happening in the Russian State Duma. The men’s hockey competition starts on February 16th, but the big day is February 21st when Canada and the U.S. meet in the preliminary rounds.

One last note – if you are a hipster, watch a little curling as people play a sport with brooms. That way you can ironically like the Winter Olympics just like everything else in your life.

Remember, it’s not about who wins or loses, but how much beer you drink while watching. Just don’t even think about trying any of these sports after your top five pints. Well, except the curling.