Ask Jimmy Suede

Warning: Jimmy Suede’s column is for entertainment purposes only. Actually taking his advice will most likely lead to being alone, restraining orders, liver failure, and financial ruin. Read at your own risk!

Dear Jimmy,

“BOOOOM! Your column has helped me transform into the ultimate player! Who would have ever thought that the process of reading a collection of words related to each other by a common theme or topic could be educational? I wish I would have paid more attention in law school!

Anyway, I’ve got a question for you. I’m a college football nut, and I have caught every single game this season. The problem is, Saturday afternoons are my most successful pick-up periods: I spend every Saturday at the mall or at local parks picking up women and getting phone numbers.

I don’t want to miss any big games this season, but I also don’t want to give up the richest day of the week in terms of picking up women? What should I do?

Calvin from Boston, MA”

BOOM, Calvin!

I completely understand where you’re coming from? I’m a college football nut, too. Luckily, my alma mater’s games are on Thursday nights, and we have to clear the field well before it’s time to go out to bars: Women’s softball has the 8:00pm slot on lockdown. I guess when you draw the kinds of crowds that the Lady Wildcats do, the Central Texas Association of Community Colleges and Law Enforcement Academies gives you free reign over their portion of municipal athletic fields.

But I don’t think watching football and picking up women are mutually exclusive. Think about the greatest football plays you’ve ever seen executed? the hail mary, the fumblerooski, the murder your ex-wife and continue to commit crimes while under intense public scrutiny what did they all have in common?

They were carried out with vigor and enthusiasm. And they were masterminded by a coach.

Sure, football and seduction may not appear completely similar at first glance? for one, the symbol of ultimate achievement in seduction certainly isn’t a wedding ring. But many of the central tenets in football and seduction run parallel, and, in theory, could be coached by the same people under the same circumstances.

How many times have you kicked yourself for passing to your running-back (asking a woman at a club if you can buy her a drink) instead of running the clock (wearing a striped shirt to a club)? For me, it’s exactly 17. Until I started letting a professional call the shots.

Take a portable radio with you to the mall and listen to the game while you pick up women. Follow the direction of your team’s coach and do whatever he says: If he tells you push forward on offense, immediately approach a woman. If he tells you to go long, try picking up a woman that’s out of your league. If he tells you to run the flee-flicker, lateral to your running back and run towards the line of scrimmage. Follow your coach’s instructions to the tee? if you can’t find a parallel to seduction (taking a time-out, for instance), resort to the fall-back play: Rush to the touchdown.

You might have a problem with letting a coach that is supervising a sports team in a different city across the country control the way you interact with women? and that’s fair. But be honest with yourself: Aren’t you so blind drunk when you talk to women that you can’t see what’s going on, anyway? Most of the time, I’d give control of my body while I’m talking to women to the guy that passes out coupons at the street corner in a taco costume if I could. Why not a coach that makes millions of dollars a year?

And what if the team you’re following doesn’t win the game, you ask? Well, if that’s the case, I’ve got bigger fish to fry than picking up a woman at some bar: I’ve got to come up with $10,000 for my Ukranian bookie Tm?z.

BOOM!