Five Steps to Growing a Beard

Last week, I made the decision to grow my first beard.

Now, I’ve had facial year for a good 10 years or so, but for whatever reason, I would always chicken out after about a week of beard growth and shave the whole thing off. (Note: There’s a good chance that the “chickening out” phenomenon was just me giving in to the constant ridicule of my past beard-hating girlfriend. I’m weak like that.) But this time, I’m going to let this sucker grow. I have a plan in place.

Step One: Don’t Look in Any Mirrors for Six Weeks

Unless you’re 150% Italian, no look right for the first few weeks of existence. Usually, they come in at odd angles, with certain hairs growing quicker than the others and in a variety of colors. It’s best not to analyze the beard at all until it all comes in. Which brings us to our next step …

Step Two: Don’t Shave

This one seems self-explanatory since, you know, you’re growing a beard and all. But what I mean is don’t shave anything. Let all of your hairs be, even the occasional awkward ones that are standing alone at the top of your cheek. It’s all part of the beard plan. Every great sculptor waits until after he receives the clay to begin making his masterpiece.

Step Three: Don’t Listen to Your Friends

They think they’re helping, but they’re not. Some will inherently like the look of and some won’t, but in either instance, their advice is meaningless. Just let the damn thing grow before you get their advice on what you should do with it. And even then, question their motives. Are they really your friends? Or do they just want you to take over their role as “the ugly one” of the group?

Step Four: Let Them Itch!

Listen, your face isn’t used to this new facial hair growth. It’s going to itch. Own that itch, like a man. With every new itching sensation throughout your neck and face, just think about how much testosterone you will be soon be showcasing to the world via your face. Don’t be a pussy.

Step Five: Increase Your Beard Awareness

Walking to and from work, take a look at other members of the bearded public to determine what you like about their trim, and? what you’re going to change to make yours look ever better. But don’t look too closely, or you may accused of owning another sort of beard, the kind you’re married to in order to prove your heterosexuality. And if that happens, politely excuse yourself and walk away briskly. Whatever you do, don’t try to fight him. Dude’s got to be tough. He has a beard!