Day #23: How to Have a Good First Date
So yesterday we talked about how to ask a girl out in a way that establishes you as a powerful man.
Today I want to tell you a story I like to call “How to Make Sure You NEVER Get a Second Date.”
I think you’ll learn a lot from this…
A few years ago I was going through a slump with women.
It was not so much that I wasn’t meeting any.
It was that the ones I was meeting just weren’t up to my standards.
These girls were falling for me quickly, and I would soon have to break their hearts.
It was depressing me.
I was really starting to believe that either there were no quality girls left in the world, or that I just couldn’t attract the ones I really wanted.
About that time I went on Match.com. A little while after going on the site I started an online flirtation with this cute Filipina girl.
She would write me these long rambling emails at four in the morning (that were just the most amusing things to read) and I soon found myself very attracted to her.
We made arrangements to meet.
When she arrived at my house, she was even hotter than her online photos portrayed her to be.
Within minutes of talking to her I was already feeling like this was going to be different.
I was sensing a connection I didn’t feel with the other girls.
When we got to the bar, things went even better.
The conversation was flowing naturally, we were laughing a lot, doing shots together, teasing one another.
I was genuinely the best date I had in months.
Mid way through the date I was already imagining our future together. Although I didn’t get a kiss that night, she came back to my house for a bit, and the evening ended on a high note.
The next day I couldn’t stop thinking about her. And although it had only been one day since I saw her, it felt like an eternity.
My better judgment told me to wait a day or two before contacting her again but I couldn’t help it, I sent her an email that night.
Something along the lines of ‘had a really great time last night. What day this week do you want to play tennis? (we had talked about playing tennis on the date.)
She didn’t respond to the email for a couple days.
When she did respond, all she wrote was I had a good time too. You are a really funny guy.
She never mentioned the tennis invite.
The night I got her email I called her.
She didn’t answer so I left a message.
She never called me back.
I waited a week then emailed her again ‘Guess we didn’t connect as much as I thought or something “Chumpy” like that.
She wrote back the next day saying ‘Sorry I’ve just been busy. You’re really NICE I’m just not sure what I’m looking for right now in terms of relationships.
BAM it was over.
The one girl I actually felt a connection with didn’t even have interest in a second date.
I began really analyzing what went wrong and it became painfully obvious why she had no desire to see me again.
Below I’m going to go over the mistakes I made on that meeting.
————-Mistakes that will Prevent Day Two———
(I basically displayed all 8 needy behaviours I wrote about here.)
[+] Too quickly deciding that you liked her.
The previous girls that I was dating I was always the one doing the judging. I would sit back and let them prove their worth to me.
This put me in the position to be the prize.
With the Filipina girl, I decided too soon that I liked her. Once I decided that I liked her I started working too hard to impress her.
I was way too attached to the outcome of the date.
Girls can sense when you’re investing more than they are, and it will immediately lower your value and put her in the position of being the prize.
Giving them the power (as discussed yesterday)
[+] Resorting to Nice Guy Lines.
I really believed that I had experienced a connection with the Filipina girl.
I truly believed she was feeling the same way. Because I felt there was this “connection” there, I let my guard down.
Normally I would never show my hand on a date.
I would always keep the girl guessing what was going through my mind.
The mistake I made on this date was that I gave too much away.
I was complimenting her way too much. I kept telling her how cute she was.
I remember at one point I was smiling, and she asked “what?” and I said “you’re just really cute.” AAAGGGHHH
I kept bringing up plans for a second date. We hadn’t even finished our first date and I was already asking her to play tennis together, to go see a movie she mentioned.
Because I felt so comfortable with her I felt at ease to tell her about my recent trouble finding a girl I really liked.
I dropped all “player” mode and started to open up with her way to soon.
[+] Not Escalating Touch
Although we were having a good time together, I was in “nice guy mode”, and was scared to ruin the evening by moving too fast.
I would very rarely make any physical contact, and when I did I would quickly pull away as to not scare her.
Normally, even on dates with girls I didn’t like, I would be advancing towards sex after an hour into the date.
Here I was 2 hours into a great date and I was scared to leave my hand on her waist for more than a second.
I should have followed the steps in my 3 Steps to Sex report.
[+] Let her Call the Shots
Once we got to the bar, she quickly took the role of leader. She was the one suggesting what to drink.
When the bar got crowded, she was the one who suggested that we move to a table in the back, when the DJ played a song she liked, she was the one who suggested we go on the dance floor.
It was like I was so scared of making a wrong move that I gave all power to her.
I even broke one of my cardinal date rules; Always be the one who ends it.
About midnight she is the one to say “Its getting late we should get going.”
[+] Planning the Next Meeting Before the Date Ended.
On Day 18 I told you my favorite thing to say at the end of a date was “see you soon”.
That was something that I always naturally did before her, and have always naturally did since her.
But that particular night I felt compelled to try to make plans to immediately see her again.
By making immediate plans you don’t give the girl the joy of wondering when she’s going to hear from you again.
—————–/Golden Nugget——————–
Remember, a large part of attraction occurs when the girl is away from you and thinking about you. The less sure she is in her status with you, the more time she is going to spend thinking about you. We think about what we are confused about.
—————-/Golden Nugget————————
[+] Contacting Her too Soon After Day One.
I used the fact that we had such a good time as a reason to call the next day. The fact that we had such a good time should have been used as a reason to wait a few days to call.
If she really had a good time she would be going crazy waiting for my call.
The whole time she’s waiting for my call my value is increasing in her mind by leaps and bounds.
I threw it all away by contacting her the next night.
The minute I contacted her, her brain went ” OK I have this guy” now let me decide if I want him.
When you don’t call, her brain is going “Does he want me?”
That is what you want her brain thinking.
[+] Acting Needy When She Wasn’t Responding Quickly Enough.
As many mistakes as I made on the date itself, I still believe I could have savaged it if I was able to stay cool during our contacts post date.
Unfortunately I wasn’t 🙂
Whenever she delayed contacted me, I got needy and contacted her right away.
And when I sensed she was blowing me off..
I did the worst possible thing my sending her a message stating my feelings
I tried to guilt her into seeing me again.
This scene in the movie Swingers sums up how there is nothing you can do to make a girl want to come back:
So how do you get a day two?
Very simple.
You implement all of the advice you’re learning throughout the 31 days.
And you don’t convince yourself “she’s different.”
Do you remember what she wants?
1. Fun
2. Connection
3. Sexuality
So give it to her 🙂
Make it happen!
Bobby Rio
.
Previous Lesson: Day 22
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
Great stuff my man. Keep up the great shares.
In regards to this post, I know exactly what you are talking about. Unfortunately, I done it many times in my early ears being that weak sauced needy bitch and afraid to break rapport. Essentially I was giving up my my polarity of being masculine with them. It’s like in the middle of a tango I stop leading , instead expecting her to do it all including dipping me. What a fucking tragedy.
Now days I build my foundation on a SUPER iron clad formula. Don’t worry I won’t share out of respect.
Bobby ome thing I’d really really would love to hear about is HOW YOU STARTED BEING A COACH…. please let me know when and if you decide to share this part about you.
Thanks Tons Bro!
Jedi pSt
Bobby, I lived the same sad story. Last week I went to the massage parlour to get the kinks out of my back and, I have to admit, to let off some steam. The woman who gave me my massage – I’ll call her Mary – had a gorgeous body and she was very friendly (of course she was – it’s her business to be friendly). We chatted and flirted (I know it’s not the same with working girls but it’s fun to try different things out) and we had fun which took my mind off her only average massage. She complained about being tired and I thought that was an odd thing for her to say but I ventured, “Maybe you’re the one who needs the massage.” She admitted that she could really use one. So things move along and she offers me a handjob with touching for a good price, so I say “what the hell . . . ” and agree. She does a so-so job of it but I had fun playing with her breasts and ass (she wore a thong). So I was OK with spending the money and having a little entertainment. Then I said, “So you want your massage now?” not really expecting her to say yes but I just threw it out there for the hell of it. I was practicing saying stuff I normally wouldn’t and this was as good a venue as any other. But she does say “Yes” and so I say, “Well, take your clothes off and get on the table. She says OK but I have to put my pants on. No problem. She strips down to her thong and bra and undoes her bra so I have access to her perfect back. Her body was to die for. I massaged her for more than an hour and she was saying things like, “No man has ever done this to me before. I don’t want to go home. This is wonderful. You’re so good.” I mean I was having the time of my life and this part was free. I give a pretty good massage (I’ve had lots of feedback) and she was sighing and responding to my touch (some more intimate than others). I finally said that I needed a break and she asked me to lie beside her. That’s where I figured I made my big mistake. I think she was all primed to fuck but I just held her and cuddled with her for a few minutes and then she said she had to go home. We were alone in the spa and I didn’t want to just jump her since if she objected, there could have been trouble. Maybe I was being too cautious but I didn’t want to take any foolish chances. So we got up from the table and got dressed. She made me tea (she even sipped from my cup, which I took as a good sign) and gave me some dried seaweed from the snack box she was eating (another good sign) and she agreed when I said it would be a good arrangement if we traded massages from time-to-time. She kissed my cheek as she left and reminded me for the 4th or 5th time that my long drive had been worthwhile because I found something new and good.
It turned out that I was going to be near her area again the following week, so I texted her 2 days later to set up an exchange. No answer. So I waited until the next day and sent a follow-up text (too soon?) and her response was I could make an appointment anytime. So she was blowing me off and just getting back to business. I get that I made several mistakes (although it certainly wasn’t a complete failure, it was a failure ultimately because I didn’t get laid and I didn’t get to set up the arrangement we discussed.) but I would like to see if I can fix this. If not, I’ll move on, but I keep thinking about that killer body.
Any comments are welcome – just make sure if you tell me I’m stupid, provide me with a better solution. I know I screwed up at the end.
Thanks in advance.
A good first date is the same as a bad one. So keep gaming…keep more than one woman in tow. And the power remains on your side.
We might all benefit from your analysis of my experience that is not entirely on the topic, but way too much coincidence with your story to not comment. i just had a first date with a Filipina in the Philippines who I consider a 9.5 (many guys would not rate her that highly because she is short and has perfectly shaped but small breasts.) We have been chatting and flirting online (like talking about having a romantic week on Bohol Island) for about a year, but I did not think she was serious about us. Not long ago I said she seemed liberated enough to enjoy several nights of passionate and tender lovemaking, to which she said she is not that liberated. So I did not make plans to visit her when I was in the Philippines for 2 weeks (in cities distant from her.) I had told her I was not going to travel long distances just for coffee and conversation.
She knew I was in the Philippines and asked why I was not visiting her. I told her I did not think she was serious, then she told me she really wanted to meet me and of course she would sleep with me. I managed to fly her to Manila for the night before I left for home. She looks way hotter in person than in her pictures, but for the first few hours all she did was watch TV and text other people. I was thinking “I’m not putting up with this”, even texted my ex girlfriend who lives fairly near asking how long it would take for her to get to my hotel (having previously turned down a visit from her because I had already made plans with this new hottie.) But when it was bedtime, she became immediately sexual, even telling me to take off her panties and asking if I wanted her to ride me. To me it was a first date with uncertain outcome, but to her it was like we were already lovers and it was understood we were having sex.
I probably broke some rules during the first date. I did tell her she is pretty (an understatement) to which she said I must be kidding. She seemed surprised that I wanted to look at her while we were fucking. She stayed in Manila until the next evening while I had to leave for the US the next morning. She texted me while I was at the airport saying she missed me and that she was sorry to leave the hotel because it had memories of our time together. I told her I would have the memories in my mind, though it would be nice to have a naked picture of her to remind me (she would not let me take one) to which she said she would send one (though she has not yet.)
We have exchanged a few messages on FB in the day or so since (limited by the 12 hour time difference and poor internet connection.) We have both said we would like to have me visit her at her home sometime soon. Part of me says I would be a fool to let her go, and part of me says I have been with a couple beautiful women who were truly crazy, and I’m still not sure I understand her motives. She could be just interested in casual sex — I would fuck her just because she’s pretty so why wouldn’t she want to fuck me just because (to Filipino standards) I am tall, handsome and romantic. (To American women I am short, nerdy and a dirty old man.) Also, though she is far from destitute, most any American is fabulously wealthy in comparison, so being a golddigger is a possibility, though she has not asked for money, she even borrowed money to get to the airport.
Your analysis?
I was Married for 10yrs three love kids now separated
Read through most of it i think just noticed she is doing what you say i should do she is doing it to me how can i get my Power back?
steven
Hey Mr Rio so I’ve just read your advise and totally hit me why I haven’t score with girls I like I was in the exact situation as you I even closed the night with a kiss and than I started texting away once I walk away . Anyway I’ve just meet this other girl and did the same stupi shiet all over again , she just texted me after 2 days we are supposed to go on a first date this Sunday , so since I’ve realized what an idiot I’ve been I haven’t text her back in fact it even told her that I might not be able to come Sunday because my schedule my change , we haven’t text ever since . I think the worst enemy for us guys is anxiety we let out minds play tricks on us not realizing we might be thinking with our dicks because in reality we don’t even know these chicks well enough , so your advise makes lots of sense , thank for all your help man I’ve just got back in to dating so this is definitely what I need to be learning . Peace and good luck to all.
Hey bobby.
I’m in a little bit of a bind here. I’m really into this girl that I went out with for the first time the other night and it seemed to go pretty well. Just had a few drinks and what not. As the date progressed we got to talking about a 4th of July party she was going to and she had asked if I wanted to go. So I said sure. Now after being certain that we were supposed to hang out again I texted her good morning bla bla on tbe next day. It took awile but she texted back so she atleast acknowledged, but it was kind of a quick response. I have yet to hear back from her. I’ve sent only a few messages that I learned from your text messaging program. Now I’m stuck since she won’t respond
My question is what the hell do I do from here??
Hey Bobby
Funny thing, on a date the other night I ended it with “see you soon” I then walked away and she then proceeded to get into her car but then yelled “Hey!” And I turned around, she added “It was a pleasure talking to, you’re really nice!” I responded “It was quite the pleasure, you’re great”
Idk I wasn’t too sure about her last statement. I kinda feel like she was firing back due to my “see you soon”
Can I get your thoughts? Thanks
BOBBY RIO SORRY FOR THE CAPS LOCK ITS JUST TO TAKE YOUR ATTENTION TO THE TEXT BELOW THANK YOU 😀
I really need your help Bobby, you see i got this girl i realized that i like 1 month after we collage and i only got the chance to go out with her until September comes cause then she will be studying for the masters degree so what i would like you to help me with is how to win her over in just one month so that she will go out with me even in September cause why wouldn`t she go out with her boyfriend i guess?
P.S. i know your busy but i would appreciate it if you would respond thank you 😀
Hmm you didn’t really show ‘how to have a good first date’ but rather what not to do AFTER the first date. Could you possibly do an article on the actual date itself?
Hai Bobby,
Your story is highly regonisizable. I do it good bij most of the women. But last, with a very special one, I did the same as you with the FIlipino girl. I had 3 dates but I was to needy. Now she says, you are so nice but the time is nog good, bla bla. The last date we had was almost sex (i didn’t expected that) but 3 days later it was not good anymore. Now we are finished. But I do want sex with her and problaby more. Is there any second plan to make it happen? What do you recommend?
Thanks, Matt from the Netherlands
I recently just did everything you talked about with this girl I really liked, don’t wanna get into details but I totally agree that you can’t stop playing games cuz shes really cool and you feel comfortable with her, it sucks that it has to be this way but its the way it is, and the worst part about telling yourself you like a girl and viewing her as really cool or the girl you been looking for etc… is although you realize you’re screwing up sometimes you just keep doing or saying things you shouldn’t be saying. My motto now is ‘you gotta be willing to lose the girl, to get the girl’… abundance mentality.
Hi Bobby, I went out with a girl on a date that i thought went fairly well, havent yet finished your programme but tryed to implement as much as i could and sensed an improvement and got the kiss without waiting until the end of the date as I usually would of, after the date I waited 2 days to text her, and so far (a few hours later) she hasnt replyed, ive no intention of sending her needy text messages but wondered what is the best thing to do should she not reply at all? I am also only 18 in the UK if that helps at all to give some context! Thanks, Jordan.
Ive done that shit a few times before I figured that out. Ill make sure to keep ur advise in my head.
So I’ve been reading all your stuff thus far and it seems legit. As i go through my options on girls that I think may be more worth getting serious with and implementing all this info, I noticed the majority of the girls dont believe in pre-marital sex. How am I supposed to work with that?
I went 4 camping and there was a place I was sitting and a girl came up 2 meet me ave never seen ha b4 and we just started talkin,she asked of my name I told and I asked of her’s 2.,unknown 2 me she even went ahead 2 look 4 me on facebook and even gave me ha bb pin up till now we do chart. I want 2 really know if she loves me or just wants sum1 dat she would chart wit.
thanks great advice.
Basically, give it time.
my advice is to not act needy, she will want her ex back for a bit, because she is occupying her mind the most. You need to try to do the same, carry on doing the escalation, the touches, the bantering and teasing and make moves. Keep her guessing about you intentions and as soon as she starts getting over her ex, she will think through other potential guys.
She will think about the potential guys a lot more and if she thinks that she’s losing you, she will think more about you. Convincing herself that she likes you as you occupy more of her thinking time.
this feeling of loss will be multiplied tenfold if she just recently got dumped by her ex. Causing her to like you more.
that’s my take on it.
please respond…
I have something i would like to ask you. last night i was at party at friends house, and me and a girl that i had just seen once before and we started making out in the couch in the living room, after a while w went to one of the rooms and i started to escalate. when i was just about to take her bra off when she stops kissing me and tells me she couldn’t continue because she had just broke up with a guy the day before and still liked him. how can i stop this from happening or what could i do different or did wrong??? please respond???
possibly important info:
i am 16
she is 17
we are both portuguese and live in portugal
she was the one that started.
We got an upcoming lesson about how to turn a female friend into a lover… follow the advice there. If it still doesn’t work.. move on.
here’s the link:
https://www.tsbmag.com/31days/day-22
Hey man..can you send me again the day 22 advice? i cant seem to find it in my inbox…thanks man
It’s not the girl… it’s the process.
Take full responsibility, learn from mistakes, and we grow.
I have this good friend of mine. We spend quite a bit of time together on a regular basis. I feel like I would want to marry her someday, we talk a lot, share personal things, and stuff like that.
She know exactly how I feel. I have told her many times. We have even had some arguments over it. She says that she has tried to see me as a boyfriend, but she just can’t. She is still a virgin (@20 years old) but has fooled around sexually with other guys. I recently just found out that she even let a guy (who is a mutual friend of ours) touch her between her legs with her pants down. And she briefly touched his cock. I asked her which of the two of us was more attractive, and she said that “I” was. Yet over a year ago (before I became a christian) I had asked her to fool around and she just said no to me.
She has actually recently become a christian too, and wants to wait until marriage before losing her virginity. We are one the same page with that (I am NOT a virgin though). I use to feel like I was obsessed with her and began praying to God for Him to help me to have more self control…. it worked. I started feeling like she didn’t OWN me anymore and I have not felt the NEED to talk to her all the time, and my desire to hang out with her at her every request is gone too. I was also reading some articles on how distancing yourself from a female friend can have a great impact on changing how she feels about you.
After hanging out one day, she asked to meet again the following day. I said no, that I would be busy (even though I wasn’t) I didn’t talk to her for 2 and a half days which is very unusual. about 4 or 5 days later…. long story short, she was all of a sudden very “bitchy” and we had a 3 day on and off war over the phone because she kept taking things out of context and getting angry at me for not answering the phone when she wanted to and things like that (I can give you the details if you want)
I confronted her on it, and told her that I feel like I am no longer a SLAVE to my passion for her,and that there are other girls out there. But secretly I don’t care about other girls that much and specifically want HER. Again, long story short. She thinks I have girls interested in me, who I am also interested in (which is more or less true lol) and we have had a significant decline in the amount of time spent together in person and over the phone. I have noticed that at least twice she has constantly called me (with me responding “I can’t talk right now, ill call you later”) and then the rest of the day she reminded me to call her back or even called me and I had to do the same thing lol.
There is more to it, but basically I see some changes in her, suggesting she may be jealous? But she still claims she dosn’t “like” me at all, and that she probably never will. We argued one day and said we didn’t want to see eachother again…. and the next day we hung out asi if nothing had happened. She even asked me to remove her belly button pericings, and even HELD my hand for over half a minute while I was doing it. I asked her about that a week later, and she said that it was because she was scared I would hurt her? Yet she could have just held onto the chair… There are more details, but what do you think so far? Have I blown it? Or do you think there is a chance?
so before i started to take in ur advice i was chillin with this girl the whole time we spent went good and she seemed rlly interested i msged her that night asking for the number so we could chill again she never messaged back i see how i gave the power away and understand that how do i get it bak cuz i jus wanna fuk her
meet her outside of work. Use the first date technique shown yesterday. You can’t escalate during work, silly
Hey Mr. Rio,
What if it’s the other way around and the girl is asking to hang out with you the day after your first date…is it best to text her back or to leave her wondering? Also, when dealing with a girl that is looking for a challenge, when she texts you, is it best to text her back but be short with her, or to not even text back?
i did many things like that and yes it doesn’t work. girls are idiot.
Hey, my advice would be to just experiment with different kinds of openers ie) direct, situational, opinion, honest compliment, funny… and just see which type indian girls respond best to. I personally found that “situational” openers
work best on girls that are closed.. because you’re not putting the pressure on them… the two of you are talking about other thing… and then you gradually shift the focus of the conversation onto the two of you
Mr. Rio
I wrote a comment as a response to your weekly review (day 21) page…but you didn’t respond.
Anyways, no issues.You’re a busy man; you must have missed it.I understand.So here it is again.I’d really appreciate a feedback from you this time! 😉
‘Hey Mr.Rio
First of all , this stuff that you do, it’s inspirational, because most guys even when they DO become real good with women, tend to keep it to themselves.
Now, I’ve been researching the topic of women, dating and relationships for the last few years, as it is my 2nd dream to become India’s Most Successful Dating Guru by age 32-35. (If you want to laugh, go ahead, now’s the time)
MY PROBLEM: I’m having problems adapting openers to Indian girls, as I find they are very closed up at first.You see, in India, they’re only 2 types of girls (as of now) extremes-the traditional sexually closed type, and the ‘wildchild’ sexually liberated types. Please help….
Trickypaw
New Delhi
India’
Fin: I agree with Art. However, I have found that the workplace is a decent place to practice under the radar things like killing appproach anxiety and developing banter technique. But I personally would NEVER date a co-worker if the job meant anything to me.
wow, i just blew it again with a girl that was throwin herself at me, by doing all the shit i shouldn’t done mentioned in the above e-mail… oh God , not again… when will I fuckin learn… ?
Don’t fool around with a woman from your work place unless there are a couple of big buildings and in case of a break up you wan’t see each other every day. You can really screw your job that way. Leave women from your workplace and focus on other places
hey bobby,
I have a question about dating or even just flirting with someone you work with.
How would you try to escalate conversation with someone you work with?
the girl i work with seems shy, although she laughs at ALL my jokes and likes talking to me about our interests and stuff we have done over the weekend and even what our families are like, she is un-responsive when I try to escalate though touch or making a sexual comment.
It also worries me that if I do push too hard to escalate she may really hate me, I know your not supposed to have fear of being turned down but since i have to see her nearly everyday I would hate to complicate things.
any advice you have to offer is greatly appreciated,
also I’d like to thank you for making this program, it has helped alot!