To the Dude at the Gym Kickstarting His New Year’s Resolution

Hey new guy.

Good luck, newb!

You don?t know me, but I know you. You?re the dude decked out in Livestrong gear having trouble turning on your elliptical. Don?t worry, man; it gets better from here (and someday you?ll find that big button labeled START.) Congratulations on following through (so far) with your New Year?s resolution to get fit. As my New Year?s resolution, I?ve made it my goal to be kinder to gym noobs like you.In keeping with my resolution, I?ve thought of some tips that will keep you from looking and feeling like a jackass at your local fitness center this winter.

All gym members are created equal. A surefire way to out yourself as a gym noob, however, is to show up decked out head to toe in the latest neon Nike apparel as if to announce to everyone that you?re ?uber-serious? about working out. A few weeks down the line you?ll realize the pointlessness of spending hundreds of dollars on expensive clothes that will only end up stained and smelling like a cross between rotten milk and the Undertaker?s armpit. Also, keep accessories like pedometers and heart rate monitors to a minimum, if any at all. It?s not 1980. Most cardio machines have monitors for mileage, calories burnt, etc. You shouldn?t look like you just stepped off the set of ?Tron.? Look around. The gym?s more of a ?First Blood? kind of establishment.

Despite the fact that most gyms smell like a public restroom just exploded, you should still act like a civilized human being when you step in one. Keep in mind that despite your state-of-the-art Wi-Fi wicking performance apparel, you?re not the only one at the gym to get fit. Regarding weight machines, there?s this thing called a ?circuit? that many people follow, so be a good boy and don?t budge. Once you?ve located the machine of your choice (aka the one that looks like you could actually figure it out), make sure to follow proper procedure. Don?t stare at the dude using it before you like he?s Jake and you?re the Body. If you need assistance, ask for help. Once you?re finished using (or attempting to use) said machine, do your best to lessen the overpowering gym stench and grime, by cleaning up after yourself with a small towel or paper towel.

Is one of your New Year?s resolutions to spend months in your bed with a pulled muscle watching reruns of ?The View? with your wife/girlfriend/mom? If not, do yourself a favor and check your ego at the door. You may want to look like the dude on the bench over who looks like he just stepped off the set of ?300,? but you could be out of commission for 300 days if you attempt to emulate said gladiator. Nobody cares what you?re lifting. Just work out at your own pace and eventually you?ll be able to bench 60 pounds! Whoa. If you?re afraid of what everybody thinks of your routine, you need to work on a new resolution: building your tiny self-esteem.

Good luck with your resolution, new guy. Work out smart, play nice and tone down the neon and you?ll be a gym member for a long time to come. Hope that START button thing works out for you.