Etiquette for a Business Meeting

It finally happened. You were warned about them and each day that passed you were grateful not to be included. All that has changed, you?ve been invited to a meeting. Nothing could be more dreadful. Meetings are generally ten minutes of substance and fifty minutes of groveling, ass-kissing or rabid chuckles at the boss?s lame jokes.

The. Worst.

What to do? You have to go, it?s expected and missing meetings is one of the crowning jewels of fail. Buckle down young man and get your ass to the conference room but heed these warnings before you step into the meeting.

Meeting Clown

This might have gotten you by in high school as the class clown but no one likes a clown or meeting wise ass. Keep the jokes, planks, Whoopie cushions and fake vomit at home. Leave the lame jokes to management and the ass kissers.

Diver Down

As tempting as it may be, keep your head above the table. Scoping out legs under the conference room table will get you a high heel toe in the eye. Save yourself the humiliation and keep the head above board.

Pick ?em and Flick ?em

Keep in mind you are not at your desk, so it is best not to dig for a wet and stringy one. A meeting is no place to pull one out, roll it and the flick it off the end of your index finger.

Look Interested

No mater the amount of torment, keep your eyes open and pay attention. Even if you are daydreaming about the hottie two seats down from you, try and appear like you care. The occasional nod, raised eyebrow or pretend note is always helpful.

No Place for Football

Don?t bust out the paper football and challenge the guy or gal across the table from you to a quick game. Not only is it distracting, your boss will frown on the activity as well, especially if you brought a cheering section with you.

Personal Hygiene

As boring as the meeting may be, refrain from hygiene activities. Running a comb through your hair to make snow or clipping your nails to see if you can make it into someone?s coffee cup is not cool.

Pull my Finger

Speaking of hygiene, as fun as it might be when your hanging with the guys, having the person next to you pull your finger so you can release some Napalm is unacceptable. Put a cork in it until the appropriate time, and then by all means fire away.

Sleep Apnea

Staying awake may be a chore but it?s a must. Snoring in a meeting or having your head bob you in to epileptic shock is not good for your longevity with the company. This fault becomes even less appealing if you happen to droll.

There you have it, a few meeting survival tools. Keep this in your back pocket if you need a reminder.