How To One-Up Her Exes

Unless she?s recently decided the life of a nun isn?t all it?s cracked up to be, it?s more than likely the girl you?re seeing has been in a relationship or two.

Your job is pretty easy if John Mayer is her ex

It?s also nearly as likely she?s been in some BAD relationships before and picked up on some of the immature, disgusting and selfish traits that the male species has to offer. Perhaps she?s been cheated on. Perhaps she lived with a guy who vacuumed his apartment once every leap year. Whether she?s dated ex-cons or mama?s boys, she?s learned a thing or two about what she wants in a man and what?s going to send her packing.

This is where you come in.

Lace up your gloves. It?s you versus every guy she?s ever had the pleasure/displeasure of seeing. If she dated a guy who paid more attention to his Xbox, you better cut your ?Call of Duty? playtime down to a reasonable level. If the last dude was a sad sack with no ambition, slap a smile on your face and start giving motivational speeches.

Think about your failed relationships. What was it about your exes that drove you up the wall? Too clingy? Too nagging? Did she key your car just one too many times? Just like you want her to be your dream girl, she wants you to be the farthest thing from her nightmare ex-boyfriends.

Take a cue from the army: Be all you can be.

If you?re an upstanding guy with goals, personality and compassion, she?ll forget she ever dated that dude with the restraining order (Well, maybe in a few years.) Put your best foot forward and she?ll let you inside. Just don?t go out of your way and change who you are. Don?t go rooting for the Red Sox for her sake. That stuff?s not important. Skipping out on an anniversary to watch a Yankees game like her last boyfriend is the kind of thing you want to avoid. Besides, she?ll be able to tell if you?re genuine or not.

When I say one-up her ex, don?t take it literally. If she tells you about how flippant and uncaring her ex was, don?t send her a bouquet of flowers every day. If she dated a Heisman Trophy winner, you don?t need to lace up your cleats and hit the field. Be the better man by being the best man you can be. Take pride in yourself and it will show.

No matter how much you lie to yourself, you know when you?re not giving it your all or doing her right. These are the kinds of faults that made her leave the last guy. If she wants to be with you on New Year?s, call the boys up and cancel the sausage party. If she buys you the entire series of ?Mad Men? for your birthday, don?t make her a mix CD for hers. Seemingly little choices can make a big impact and give you the edge over all the self-absorbed idiots of dating past.

By giving your all to both her and yourself, you?ll be a better candidate for a boyfriend, husband, etc. So, cut the whining, get a job, look sharp and hold the door for her. You?re guaranteed to do better than the unemployed emo dude from last summer.