Your Holiday Movie Season Preview

What To Watch This Winter

Well, December is upon us. Cold weather. Snow (just in higher elevations in some places, which is nice.) Holidays. Talking animals. It always happens in December. Why? Because the holiday movie season is the second biggest movie-going time of the year after the summer and people really like talking animals.

(I like to think that the first caveman entertainer had his head stuck in a dead tiger head because it was nice and warm and smooshy inside. Then, while he was explaining to friends about its positive warm and smooshy characteristics in words like ug, ug, ug, he moved its mouth and everyone laughed and made him do it again. So, it?s in our DNA. Is there any other way to explain ten more Kung Fu Panda and Madagascar movies?)

So it must also be in our DNA that after spending all that time with our families and families-in-law, we just want, nay need, to get away for a little bit, two hours tops. Then again, maybe you just have cabin fever because it has been snowing for three straight days, you?ve watched everything in your instant Netflix queue, started to whittle peppermint candies into talking animal shapes and you really need to get out of the house.

So, when you and your best girl decide to escape wherever you are to go to the movies, here is your handy dandy guide to what movie to go see.

Best Movie to Make Her Laugh

The most original looking comedy of the holiday season looks to be ?I Love You Phillip Morris? and that is because the only other comedy looks to be ?Little Fockers? which is the third in this ?comedy trilogy.? I have more hopes in a screenplay from the guys behind ?Bad Santa? and Jim Carrey being a little darker like in ?The Cable Guy.? However, the writers also wrote ?Cats and Dogs? and that?s not a good thing.

Best Movie to Make Her Think You?re Smart

?The Illusionist? is a cartoon about a vaudeville magician trying to find work as vaudeville ends. The pedigree is nice as the story is from Jacques Tati (French filmmaker of ?Mon Oncle?) and directed by Sylvain Chomet who did ?The Triplets of Belleville.? It?s French, so it has to be smart. If she doesn?t want to read subtitles, take her to ?Black Swan,? since it?s about ballet. Ballet is smart. Really.

Best Movie to Make Her Think You?re Sentimental for Days Gone By

Ah, movies of things from our youth. Since we have watched it in bunches once before, we must want to watch it again. Like disco parties and 80s nights at bars (soon to be 90s nights if not already) show your girl you have that fondness for history by taking her to see ?Tron: Legacy? or ?Yogi Bear.? After the movie you can reminisce about how much better the originals were.

Best Movie to Get Her to Break Up With You Because You Really Hate Her Family

Watch them bang artfully!

Holy crap, animated bears talking to real people? Getting trapped in a computer? I?m sorry, there?s no way ?Tron: Legacy? and ?Yogi Bear? can be good movies. So, go see them and keep saying how AWESOME they are and how you want to see them again because at least the bear has manners unlike her younger brother and as bad as they are, they?re not as boring as listening to her mother talk about quilting.

Best Movie to Convince Her She Needs a Speech Therapist

If you?ve ever thought to yourself, my girlfriend talks like she has a mouthful of marbles, then taking her to see the critically acclaimed ?The King?s Speech? will be a subtle way to get her thinking about trying to talk well. If you follow it with viewing ?My Fair Lady,? well then you?ve left the subtle zone and entered ?Yogi Bear? territory.

Best Movie to Convince Her You Need Time Away From Her to Find the Real Killers

O.J., if you get out of jail anytime in the next few weeks and there is a woman in your life and you need a little space, take her to ?True Grit? where a young girl hires a U.S. Marshall to find her father?s killer and then say you are inspired again to go and find the real killers. Everyone else, imagine what would have happened if O.J. lived in the old west.

Best Art Film Rated NC-17 for Sex

?Blue Valentine? with Michelle Williams which also happens to be a heavy drama with great performances by Williams and Ryan Gosling. But, really it?s NC-17 for the sex and in the words of Stan Lee, ?nuff said.