Happy Friday Reading: Awful Sex Advice

Being in the blog-writing business as long as we have, we’ve become gropingly familiar with the phrase “content is king.” While it’s important to put up the most interesting, diverse, compelling posts around … even more important than that is actually having anything to post at all. Now and then, just to have something to go up, you have to dig deep, squirt something out into the word processor machine you’re using, and hope that no one takes it too seriously.

Throw some sox in

This is the way the magazine business works, as well. Content, content, content. But making it extra difficult is that magazines tend to focus exclusively on a specific niche market, meaning they have to fill their pages with a lot of the same stuff every month … but, you know, different. Take Maxim or Cosmopolitan, who both know their audience is constantly on the lookout for more tips when it comes to sex. Problem is, there really are a finite number of sex tips you can offer to a readership before you start repeating yourself. Or, as we’ll see, just start making hilarious shit up.

The folks at Nerve.com spotted this phenomenon and ran down some of the most hilarious sex tips that were published, obviously the result of some writer getting frustrated and just making shit up. Here’s out favorites:

? “Soak a washcloth in warm water and gently run it from his belly button to where his pubic hair starts.”

? “Open your mouth and breathe heavily over one ball at a time.”

? “The spinal cord connects directly to his penis, so when you warm it, the heat shoots to his package. Flame his passion… by rubbing your bare breasts up and down the length of this backbone.”

? “Pop his socks in the microwave for twenty seconds, then slip them on him.”

So if your lady friend slowly takes off your socks and high-tails it to the kitchen, you know what she’s planning on doing. Enjoy the weekend, folks.