Topical Cream, 10.29.10

: Guys love cheerleaders, which is my way of saying ?I watch Glee? without shame. One of the hot minor characters is a cheerleader named Santana, played by . Her character is right up front about her sexual attraction to the guys on the show? and the girls. Plus, the actress herself is 23, so there?s no need to feel creepy about the fact that she?s playing a high school student. Right? Tell me I?m right.

The San Francisco Giants: Baseball is an excellent game for characters, and the San Francisco Giants have two of the best. Tim Lincecum is a Cy Young stud with long floppy hair, the look of a 14-year-old and a penchant for bowties. Brian Wilson has grown a shoe-polish black playoff beard, never says a serious word and may be baseball?s answer to Will Farrell, with his hilarious television appearances. Their personalities suit their roles on the World Series contenders: Lincecum is supposed to eat innings without ever letting a batter see him sweat, and Wilson plays the role of closer in the manner portrayed by Charlie Sheen in Major League. Both were All-Stars this season, and both could be bathed in champagne by this time next week.

Hot Halloween: Halloween is a time for adults to express who they wish they could be. That?s what makes it so fun, and so hot. Did you always secretly have a thing for the quiet girl with glasses who works at your local bookstore? Good luck, in her heart of hearts she?s a busty pirate wench of low morals. The sneaky-hot soccer mom has secret dreams of belly dancing in a sultan?s harem. This is all great, but what do we do with the guys who love nothing more than to dress up in drag? Not that there?s anything wrong with that.

T-shirt gun from hell: If you attend sporting events regularly, you?ve probably seen the t-shirt cannon. It?s a cool, fun way to blast rolled-up clothing into the upper deck for a few lucky fans. A very few. Now, some genius has gone and invented the t-shirt gatling gun that fires three shirts per second out of ten rotating barrels. The best part? It was a joint project with NASA. Great to see something other than Tang (the drink of astronauts!) come out of the space program.

Sounds delicious: The Houston Press asked Texans to describe various world cuisines and then made Venn diagrams showing how much their concepts overlapped with the reality of ethnic cooking. Predictably, there was a great deal of confusion between actual Mexican food and Tex-Mex (?what, y?all don?t eat nachos down there??), but the worst was the gap between real Ethiopian cooking and what people <i>think</i> Ethiopians eat. That?s all I?ll say. Click the link and read it yourself.