Topical Cream, 7.16.10

Max Points for Degree of Difficulty: I must admit that I?m one of those people who thinks the Tour de France is extremely boring. An impressive display of endurance? Yes. But not a spectator sport. That is, until you let the Aussies in. After all the steroid accusations and name-calling, it?s refreshing to hear about Mark Renshaw, who was disqualified from the event for head-butting rival cyclists while still riding his bike. Good on ya, mate.

Consider My World Rocked: Speaking of the Land Down Under, I?ve always favored the Aussie accent. So when I got a GPS for my car, I naturally set it to use the voice ?Australian Karen?. I always liked to imagine her as a bit of a hottie. Turns out, the woman who cut the voice track actually is quite sexy. I love it when a fantasy comes together.

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round!: Ever seen a school bus with rad flames painted down the sides? Me either. Apparently there is one, and the flames are only slightly ironic. The ultimate in juvenile transport has been retrofitted with an engine from a McDonnell Douglas F-4 Phantom fighter jet. It can reach speeds of 350 miles per hour, which is kind of terrifying when you recall that those big naugahyde bench seats had no seatbelts.

I Believe!: As a child, I never questioned it. As an adult, I have to wonder. Why was Disney?s version of Tinker Belle dressed so sexy? Now we know. So the delightful Elizabeth Banks can wriggle into that outfit for the upcoming live-action version of Peter Pan. The film is directed by McG, who so ably showcased the posteriors of Lucy Liu, Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore in his Charlie?s Angels movies. Bring on the Wilma Flintstone skirt!

Do you know how fast you were going, ossifer?: Apparently, police cars in Sweden run on ethanol ? booze, to you and me ? at least until they run dry. Some Viking cops had to call off a chase of a speeding car because their booze cruiser forgot to make a run to the liquor store. Which brings me to my million-dollar idea: Swedish cop cars that are started by the breathalyzer.

Alexa Ray Joel: I don?t really follow the pop music any more, but apparently there?s a new singer in the game. She?s the daughter of Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley, she?s 24, and her single ?Notice Me? is apparently doing pretty well. Glancing at the photo in the link, it would appear that she got Christie?s body and Billy?s face. Which is not ideal, but is worlds better than the alternative.