Topical Cream, 6.18.10

Melissa Cunningham: It?s easy to become a temporary celebrity these days. All you have to do is be reasonably attractive and do something crazy enough to get your name a-hoppin? on the Googles. Melissa Cunningham is one of those people. Her name is trending on the search engine because her husband ? a C-list actor with an admitted drug abuse problem ? claims he was abducted by two men recently who forced him to take drugs at gunpoint. Riiiiiiight. Anyway, Melissa is certainly worth a look, though we?re sorry it took such a sad story to bring her to our attention.

Jonah Hex: Sometimes it amuses me how deep a director will dig into comic-book lore to find a tie-in project. I don?t know too many people who are wild about the Jonah Hex mythos, but surely Hollywood wouldn?t spend this much money on something with no audience, right? Megan Fox gets another chance to look hot in front of computer graphics, and John Malkovich is the bad guy. I think it looks pretty cool, but then again, I?m the only person I know who admits to enjoying the Nicholas Cage bomb Ghost Rider.

Brazil Nuts: If you?re like me, when someone mentions the nation of Brazil, you think of beaches, bikinis and samba-dancing hotties. So it may come as something of a shock to hear that a young woman named Geisy Arruda was violently heckled by classmates and expelled from her university for wearing a rather modest pink miniskirt. In a way, it kind of makes sense, though. You can?t judge the entire U.S. by what happens in California, after all. Anyway, young Geisy did the requisite crying on TV, then fully embraced her celebrity by dancing in tight, spangly clothing at Carnival. What a country!

World?s Greatest Dad: Back in the day, we got my dad a cheesy desk plaque that proclaimed his superior fathering credentials to the world. It?s probably too late to order one of these now, but the British company Hastings Crystal is offering the World?s Greatest Dad flask, which beats the ever-lovin’?snickerdoodles out of buying him a new tie.

The Art of Drinking: I don?t know much about art, but I know what I like: whiskey, and lots of it. Now that equation actually makes sense, because a company called Bev Shots has put fine cocktails under an electron microscope and turned the resulting extreme close-ups into full-color wall hangings. Just imagine how great it would feel to know that your art-snob friends are mooning over Schlitz Malt Liquor Descending a Staircase?

iBacon: I get the whole ironic bacon love thing, I really do. I understood the desire to make bacon martinis and bacon-flavored vegetables because the pork product truly is the perfect food. But I don?t get the rainbow of bacon flavors recently unveiled by a graphic designer I?ve never heard of. Bacon, like gravy, chicken fingers and everything else good in this world, is supposed to be brown. I guess I?m just old-school.

: Everyone?s probably seen these topless photos of the Aussie babe, but there?s just such an instant classic feel about them, I had to share them again.