Topical Cream, 5.07.10

Stacked Judiciary, Coming Soon!:

One of the top google search terms this week has been Hung Parliament. Sadly, it?s not the name of a rumpy-pumpy British porno. It?s actually the technical term for an election that ends with no majority party in the nation?s government. What a letdown. Then again, if any of our readers knows a few exhibitionists and has the use of a digital camera for the week, we have a great title you can use. It would also be a fantastic name for a garage band.

Iron Man 2: Robert Downey, Jr. has had a rough ride through stardom, with interludes of drug dependence and rehab. But his off-handed charm and way with a joke has him in the franchise game these days, as plenty more Sherlock Holmes movies are likely on the way, and Iron Man is now in its second installment. Samuel L. Jackson will be there, as will Gwyneth Paltrow and the always stunning Scarlett Johansson. Make a movie date tonight and swing into the summer blockbuster season in style.

Mom: Loving your mom doesn?t make you a mama?s boy. You can go with flowers and candy, dinner out, or fly her to Cancun if you have the means. Just let her know you appreciate the whole being born and raised thing.

Put the Cellphone Down, Romeo: Texting is useful. Sexting is somewhat titillating. But when you have a real, live woman in front of you? For the love of god, put your thumbs and other fingers to better use. A recent survey of women — conducted by the pharmaceutical company Bayer ? revealed that 28% blame cell phones for their unsatisfying nights with husbands and boyfriends. I?d like to suggest that the lady of the house consider hiding the blackberry in her lingerie and initiating a search party.

We Can Put a Man on the Moon?: but we can?t make a nice-looking bra for the truly blessed? According to New York Magazine, the median bra size in America has risen to 36DD. The well-endowed are having a difficult time finding support garments that look good and lend the necessary support. Somewhere out there, a structural engineer and a fashion-school grad are going to put their heads together and make women and men happy. Talk about a win-win situation.

The Most Dangerous Catch:

I?ll be honest. Somali Pirate never sounded like a wise career choice in the first place. I mean, I hear the dental insurance is incredible, but still. Seems like these days, we hear more about these guys getting their asses kicked than getting away with the cash and jewelry, doesn?t it? The latest boondoggle had Russian commandos storming a captured ship and pretty much just icing every Somali fella they laid eyes on. Seriously: the night shift at 7-11 is starting to look like a safer alternative.

Swedish Sweetness: We talked about the movie Iron Man 2 earlier, and the flick has plenty of well-known hotties in it. The good news is that it will introduce a new crush to viewers in the form of Swedish actress . She says she showed up in Hollywood with just one shirt ? a pink one that said ?It?s Your Lucky Day?. The Iron Man producers clearly recognized the truth inherent in the statement.