Topical Cream, 4.23.10

The Losers: To be honest, the plot sounds like a load of claptrap. A group of guys are going commando in the jungle, then some crazy bad guy tries to start a global war (what else would a bad guy do?) and they have to stop him. Based on that, I could take it or leave it. But then I read about the mysterious and beautiful operative who joins the team — played by Zoe Saldana ? and they had me.

A Boy Man Named Suh: Nebraska Defensive Tackle Ndamukong Suh became the second pick in the NFL draft, going to the Detroit Lions. Ndamukong is Cameroonian for ?House of Spears?, which is a totally excellent name for a 300-lb. wrecking ball with legs.

Damn you, NASA!: Our nation?s space program is really something to be proud of. Technology pioneered by NASA ended up in our homes: virtual reality, medical advances, and, most of all, Tang. Now comes the news that space technology will finally be turned against us. Sattelites in orbit can now be used to catch speeders. You read that right. When it?s 2:00 AM and you have 240 miles of Kansas interstate in front of you? even then, you?d better keep those hands at ten and two and the cruise control on 65 mph. And that just ain?t right.

Hall Monitor: Regina Hall, recently seen in the movie Death at a Funeral, is pushing 40. I only mention that because I saw this nude photo of her linked at the Allure website and I figured she was half that age. Her credits include crapola like Ally McBeal, Malibu?s Most Wanted, and several Scary Movie sequels. But still, I have to say I admire her body of work.

State Department issues Ninja travel advisory: Just in case East Timor is your next vacation destination, be aware that the tiny nation, founded in 2001, is suffering under a plague of ninjas. What the heck. If we can have pirates from Somalia, why not ninjas from East Timor? I say we let them fight out the old internet meme in real life.

Nice hamster wheel, Brainiac: Sometimes smart people invent things that look cool but have no actual value. One such thing is the circular bookshelf, which allows one to stroll around the house (literally) surrounded by great literature. I can see a couple of problems with it. One, all of your books have to be the same height. Two, this seems like a housepet death scene waiting to happen. Fill that sucker up with Kindles, and you?d really have something.