Topical Cream, 4.09.10

Dancing is a Sport: Erin Andrews is the sports-lover?s download queen. Just by putting her name here, I?ve given this article 100 more hits today. If I add a body part, like ?Erin Andrews sexy elbows?, it?s more like 1,000. Aaaanyway, aside from sideline reporting every major sports event to be played this season, she?s also on dancing with the stars, which shows off her elbows in the most delightful way.

Warlords: Martial arts movies are kind of like porn. Too much plot can get in the way of the action. Nonetheless, Movie Web gives it a good try, churning out four paragraphs of explanation of the movies themes and mis-en-scene and other wanky film-school jargon. Let me condense it for you: Jet Li gets in awesome fights with other Asian fellows, some of whom are in armor. He falls in love with a hottie, who is also able to kick much ass and might also wear armor. Warlords is out this weekend.

Tom Watson: Watson has never been the world?s most dominant golfer, but he may be the world?s most durable. At 60, he?s playing like a man half his age at the Masters, and it?s not the first time he?s done this, either. Who?d have thought I?d be writing about him instead of <strike>Tiger?s Wood</strike> Tiger Woods at this point?

#FreakyFact: Here?s something Twitter is useful for. A tweeter (heh heh) named FreakyFact is throwing out compact sex facts recently. My favorite: ?The average nipple is 3/8″ long when erect. Slightly taller than 5 stacked quarters.? Which means we can revise the cheesy come-on line to be ?Is that a roll of quarters in your sweater, or are you just happy to see me??

Name of the Year: NOTY makes me giddy with delight. Every year, this website accepts nominations for the best names given to flesh-and-blood humans. Then they decide which one is the best (sometimes with the help of an NCAA-style bracket). Actual humans with actual names like Doby Crotchtangle, Honka Monka, Jew Don Boney, Jr., and Barkevious Mingo finally get some positive recognition out of the nomenclatural child abuse inflicted by their parents.

Guess who?s buying all those Segways?: It?s the Aussies, mate. The Australian Defense Force puts crash-test dummies on GOB-mobiles and then? shoots them. The dummies, that is. Though the occasional scooter might catch a bullet; even trained snipers aren?t perfect. If one gets wounded and can?t go on, Crocodile Dundee pops out of the bush and finishes it off with his outback toothpick.

What a way to go: Why are these stories so often from England? A 27-year-old Brit was nearly killed by his girlfriend? which is not the cool part. The cool part is that she nearly smothered him during sex. WITH HER GIANT BOOBS. They?re size 40 LL. The best part is the woman?s ultra-British name. Who wouldn?t want to suffocate under the funbags of someone named Claire Smedley?

Sundresses: There?s plenty to love about springtime. Warm weather, fragrant breezes, baseball? and es. Without a doubt one of the best inventions ever for the benefit of man- and womankind. How many items of clothing can you think of that are comfortable for the wearer and sexy as hell to the beholder? The is at the top of the list.