How to Celebrate Opening Day

I could open this essay with ?The New Year is about to begin,? and explain how my Opening Day analogy has more depth than most by likening the NCAA Tournament to Christmas season, the Oscars to Thanksgiving and the Masters as Martin Luther King?s birthday, but you can see the analogy falls apart rather quickly. Either way, America?s pastime is about to start (which is different from America?s Most Popular Sport ? anything not named ?soccer?) and you should welcome a chance to have a little fun.

As has been the case for the last few years, the season begins on Sunday night in prime time, with this year?s game showcasing (insert any overused clich? about tradition here), Boston and New York. I?m here so that you can start a tradition with your friends that will last until 2012. Thank Yum Caax you at least have three years.

As your friends arrive before the first pitch, the first thing you should do is hand them some processed meat. This serves two purposes. One, it shows that you are a provider and a provider makes a good host. Two, it gives them something in their stomach to soak up all the forthcoming alcohol. Now, there?s no way you?ll be able to master letting a hot dog stew in its own juices for eight hours, so you?ll have to figure out another processed meat. My suggestion is two slices of pimento loaf on white bread with a bit of mustard. It?s easy to make, it?s delicious and it makes a great pre-game event trying to guess if the red and green chunks are pimentos or mold.

After handing everyone some processed meat, next you should give your friends overpriced beverages in paper cups. If this was tennis, I would suggest a fine Bordeaux. If it wasn?t supposed to be overpriced, I would suggest beer. (If you can find a six-pack of beer for sixty dollars, go right ahead.) So, that means finding a forty-dollar bottle of alcohol and mixing four drinks. Even better, buy an eighty-dollar bottle of scotch and make eight drinks. To make sure the ten-dollar drinks of scotch last through the entire game, I suggest combining them with ample amounts of Sprite.

Next, make sure to instruct your friends to throw all of their cups and leftover pimento loaf sandwiches (of which they?ll have plenty) on the floor after you?re done. Then walk over top of them or kick them under the sofa or another chair. This part of the celebration will really pay off if you don?t clean up before next Opening Day. Oh the memories.

Lastly, as you and your guests sober up, take your furniture outside on your porch and watch traffic go by. This is especially rewarding if you can arrange a traffic jam. (Build your own speed bump!) Now, you and the cars can sit still and watch each other. If people have their windows down, you can add a ?Go Sox? yell just to add a bit of atmosphere or to see if you can get anyone to honk at you.

Just like you were there. Happy day!