Drunk / Sober / High: Watching TV

This is the first in a series of explorations on what is your ideal situation, depending on whether you’re drunk, sober, or high.

Every once in a while, it happens. You can?t help it, but don?t worry, it?s the same for all of us. We eventually end up home alone with our Netflix DVDs en route and all caught up on our DVR. We have to watch live television.

Of course, how you ended up home will help you to realize what television program to watch in a new little series I?d like to call: Drunk / Sober / High.

Drunk

Maybe it was an after work happy hour and you took a taxi home because there was a little too much boiler in all of those boilermakers. Now, you?re stuck at home and the television is beckoning at you. Which in your mind sounds more like, ?Geez, I?m drunk. Wow. I need to sit down for a bit. The ceiling is spinning. I can?t go to sleep yet. I need to do something. I better watch TV.? Of course there are many more pauses and slurs and some of it may even be spoke out loud to your pet iguana Tiger, but eventually you turn on the TV. What are you looking for? Two things ? loud and sexy. You have to stay awake, and since you can?t really follow any plot, you might as well look at hot women. What programs are for you? For those without Skinemax, you can go for ? ?America?s Top Model,? ?Desperate Housewives,? ?Lost? or ?Gossip Girl.? Just remember to take your aspirin before sitting down, because 2-D women will only let you avoid sleep for a short time.

Sober

Maybe you?ve been stuck in traffic for three hours because of two accidents on the interstate and you need to unwind after you finally empty your bladder. You need something soothing, something that can erase the memories of thousands of bumpers and honks and all the noise, noise, noise of Johnny Perfect and his evening zoo crew. There?s no way you?re curling up with a book, so you click the on button on your TV remote control. You need to escape. You need quality television that makes you think and takes you away from your cursed driving existence. ?Lost? fits the bill quite nicely as do ?Mad Men,? ?Parks and Recreation? and ?Justified.? You may not forget your traffic ordeal, but you?ll soon be caught up in good television that will help ease the pain.

High

Maybe you finally decided to accept your college buddy?s invitation for milk and brownies with his new old lady. You had enough time for two brownies and a glass of milk before they got called away because they forgot to pick up her son from soccer practice and you start to feel really happy on the way home. My goodness, everyone on the highway is going somewhere. ?Remember Me? looks awesome. I bet ?Twilight? is awesome too. Sparkly vampires? Wicked. I?m home already? Sweet. I wonder if there?s any sparkly vampires on TV. Do their teeth sparkle too? I hope so. What could I watch? Oooh, how about something trippy or funny. ?Lost,? ?Community,? ?Modern Family? and ?Fringe? will all do nicely.

So, when you get home, I suggest watching ?Lost.? It?s the only program that can satisfy you when you are Drunk, Sober or High. Trust me. I watch TV well.