Topical Cream, 2.12.10

Mama Zuma?s Revenge Habanero Chips: We?ve all had that experience where someone says the Jalapeno chips are super hot, only to find that they taste like a pinch of warm sawdust. Mama Zuma?s chips are all-natural, and they skip straight up the scoville scale, past the boring old jalapeno, and go for the habanero gusto. They do taste a bit like burning, but they have so much flavor, you won?t be able to stop until the bag is empty, and you?re a puddle of sweat.

Easy there, Tiger?: Jamie Jungers, a decent-looking bleached blonde, won $75,000 for taking the top prize in Howard Stern?s beauty pageant for Tiger Woods? mistresses. The generally trashy vibe of Eldrick?s women proves a point about us guys: no matter how great we have it, our little head thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Woods? wife, Elin Nordgren, is light-years better looking than anyone her husband messed around with.

It?s not easy being Green: Matt Damon must be a great actor, because any time I see him on a talk show, he seems like a total non-badass. But I bought him as the fighting machine Jason Bourne in three movies, and now I?m totally looking forward to Green Zone. The movie takes us back to 2003, and lets us ride along with a specialist unit searching Iraq for weapons of mass destruction in the early days of the war on Saddam Hussein. Expect explosions. Lots and lots of explosions.

Chuck Norris is 70: ?Chuck Norris doesn?t turn 70, 70 turns Chuck Norris? People who write those worshipful and amusing odes to the martial-arts master don?t seem the least bit fazed that their hero could star in Walker:?How I Get to the Bathroom?these days. They just keep churning out one-liners. In fact, let?s try one. ?When Chuck Norris is constipated, he?gives a?roundhouse kick to his own colon?. Yeah, I?m not very good at this.

Count on Germany to pull something like this: There?s a young lady who can identify Lego figures by putting them in her mouth and sucking on them. Kind of weird and kind of erotic, right? Except that she looks to be well underage. In Germany, that means they put you on television, blindfold you, and have you lick plastic in front of millions of people and a live studio audience. News flash: Germans are kind of kinky.

Amanda Seyfried: She plays sweet and ditzy just as well as she plays seductive vixen. In other words, she?s kind of a fantasy girl. Amanda Seyfried came to our notice in the movie Mean Girls, and became an immediate favorite. Sexy lips, a dazzling smile and big baby blues will do that to us.