Topical Cream: 2.26.10

Salt and Pepper: Generally speaking, I?ve had it up to my eyebrows with buddy-cop movies. Especially when the black cop is crazy and the white cop is by the book. But I have to say that I?ll make an exception for Tracy Morgan, who has proven to be one of the funniest men on television over the past few seasons of 30 Rock. Bruce Willis as the straight man is an odd choice, but maybe there?s more going on. Cop Out opens this weekend.

Tanith Belbin: The Canadian ice dancer has always been cute, but now that she?s matured a bit, she?s edged on over into a smokier type of babedom. It?s still not enough to make me watch ice dancing on television, but thanks to the internet, I don?t have to.

GDM: With the National Football League making noises about better steroid and HGH testing, it came as a bit of a shock when star receiver Chad Ochocinco admitted to using the performance-enhancing drug GDM on his twitter feed. Always the prankster, Ochocinco finally admitted that GDM stands for Got Damn McDonalds. Don?t laugh; nobody really knows what?s in those McNuggets.

It?s A Trap!: The University of Mississippi parted ways with mascot Colonel Reb in 2003, fearing that the mustachioed confederate sympathizer might be in poor taste. Recently, the poor, mascotless students at Ole Miss were enfranchised to pick a new mascot, with predictable consequences. The beer-swilling wags have staked Star Wars bit-player Admiral Ackbar to a sizeable lead in student voting. The erstwhile crustacean has over 15,000 Facebook fans already. Ackbar looks a bit like an overgrown lobster, so he might want to watch his back when the serious tailgating gets going at the legendary Grove.

Guppie: I?ve always said it?s about time we usurped the folding tool-kit industry from those simpering, money-grubbing Swiss. Consider the ante upped. The Guppie, so-called because it resembles a cute little fish when folded up, is actually an incredibly manly multi-tool made by Columbia River Knife & Tool. In case the company name didn?t tip you off, there is, in fact, a strapping blade that swings out when needed, and it comes with various magnetic screwdriver bits for any manual labor that might crop up. Throw in a wrench, a flashlight, and a bottle opener, and you?ve got it all.

American Whiskey: American whiskey is like the American people ? you can?t label us and put us in a box. Well? come to think of it, you can label whiskey and put it in a box, but that ruins my metaphor, so let?s forge ahead. What I?m trying to say is: don?t fence whiskey in. There?s bourbon for high-class sippin?, Tennessee whiskey for a day at the track, Rye whiskey for late-night poker games down by the wharf, and Corn whiskey for those times when full facial paralysis is the high point of the evening. Don?t let someone steer you toward the ascot and a snifter of cognac, it?s beneath you.

Who Dat?!?:

Jessica Gomes, my friends. She?s an SI swimsuit model of Singaporean and Portuguese descent. And, oh yeah, she?s Australian, so there?s that sexy-sweet accent to rev your engine as well. Like you need it.