Topical Cream: 2.12

John Mayer Kisses and Tells: Looks like John Mayer?s agent picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. The hugely popular singer /guitarist apparently forgot to take his Ritalin recently, because he?s given several high-profile interviews in which he was completely open about his relationships with Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, and his severely chapped right hand. The most recent money quote, as told to Playboy: ?Jessica Simpson was like sexual napalm in bed.? If a guy?s comparing you to a petroleum-based exploding defoliant, you might want to visit the clinic.

Toyota Recall: They can?t, and they won?t, and they don?t stop. Since 2003, various Toyota models have had the same problem: sudden, uncontrollable acceleration. First it was sticky gas pedals, then it was mats that ?trapped? the pedal against the floorboards. Now, it?s brake failure as well. If beleaguered U.S. auto companies are looking for an opening in the market, look no further.

Snow: Mother Nature is a fickle bitch. The Eastern Seaboard is currently buried beneath feet of snow, including record precipitation amounts for southern states accustomed to more temperate winters. Meanwhile, in traditionally snowy Vancouver, it?s zip plus nada. Which makes the opening of the Olympic games this weekend a bit of a downer. At least we still have?

Olympic Hotties: Typically, when we think of winter, we imagine everyone bundled up to the point where even determining gender is difficult. Not so much with the Winter Olympics, where super-tight clothing is worn to make super-tight bodies less wind-resistant. U.S. skier Lindsay Vonn is the most visible hottie on her way to Vancouver, but she?s hardly the only one.

Craig Ferguson: Many viewers have chosen sides in the Leno/Letterman/Conan bizarre love triangle. Others have declared a pox on all three of their houses, and turned to the profane no-frills comedy of Scottish-born Craig Ferguson. Ferguson?s Late Late show airs on CBS in the wee hours, with little scripting, and even less showbiz pouffery. Ferguson, author of the best-selling book American on Purpose, recently joined twitter as @CraigyFerg. One of his first posts read ?Can I say fuck on this thing?? Yes, yes you can. Please do.

The Wolfman Cometh: Vampires are sexy. They?re eternally young, attractive, and powerful. Werewolves, on the other hand, get hairy, eat people, and presumably pee on fire hydrants once a month. Not sexy. On the other hand, they?re less whiney, and the acting is bound to be better, with Oscar winners Benicio Del Toro and Anthony Hopkins chewing the scenery. Wolfman opens today.

Suggestive Computer Accessories: Just in time for Valentine?s day, it?s the G-Point Mouse. The new language of love sounds like this: ?left click? right click! Scroll? scroll?. ScrollscrollscrollSCROLL!!!!? ?Like internet porn wasn?t distracting enough already.

Who Dat?!:

It?s always a little awkward when a child star passes the age of majority and starts to look grown-up hot. But former Nickelodeon tween star Amanda Bynes is a 23-year-old woman now, so it would be discourteous to downplay her femininity at this point. Right? Right? Anyhow, she?s smokin?.