State of the Union of the NFL

Mr. Manning, Mr. Brees, members of the AFC and NFC and fellow Americans interested in that green field of freedom, on one Sunday in late January or early February, we convene in our living rooms, sports bars and strip clubs to watch the Super Bowl. February 7th, 2010 was no different. As your duly self-elected spokesperson for the NFL and the mighty, mighty sword of truth, it is time to give the united people of football an update on the health and wealth of this momentous league.

It?s tempting to look at the Super Bowl of righteousness and think all is right in the world. Our television affiliates sell blocks of thirty seconds for more money than most fans make in a lifetime. Most of the major stories of the week focus on the quarterbacks, which keeps it simple for part-time fans and focuses on a position that is filled mainly with white players because the rallying cry for men over fifty is that African-Americans have taken over the sport, and we have to be sure to throw them a bone. The only other stories that the media covers are injuries, which are part of our continuing promise to you, the gambler, to make sure you have the most up to date information for your wagers and side bets filled with the honor of the ages.

(Hold for applause.)

However, amid all of this momentum, there are still things we need to improve to be sure that our league survives well into the 21st century and beyond fighting against the subjugation from the tyranny of sleeping during a Sunday sport event.

(Hold for applause.)

The first issue is that the numbers on the uniforms are too large on the front and the back. Our referees have the best vision to see the corruption against the founders of this great nation of all the major sports. Do you hear about them blowing calls in the Super Bowl? Are they betting on the sport? No. They are honest and they don?t need glasses. Yes, I?m looking at you NHL officials. So, why not make the numbers smaller? Our fine referees will still be able to identify the inexcusable miscreants who hold, interfere and enter the neutral zone so that their parents can feel the shame of raising a cheater of democracy. In addition, the extra room will give us a chance for our new national sponsor, E-Trade, to brand each and every NFL uniform. We want to be sure that our fans are using their money how we want them to use it. By drinking beer that gives them the runs of independence.

(Hold for applause.)

The second problem is that there is still no team in Los Angeles, the city of all that is holy with angels, both flying and swimming. For the nearly 18 million in the greater Los Angeles area this is a major problem, but for the other two hundred and ninety million people of the United State of America, they may not think it is a big deal. Let me tell you why it is. Those eighteen million people live in dry areas. They are thirsty. These people are looking for another outlet where they can buy a twenty-five-dollar beer that will give them the runs. Let?s make sure we give it to them with a healthy dose of emancipation.

(Hold for applause.)

Finally, in April, the NFL will face its biggest challenge to date. We have faced running quarterbacks before like Kordell Stewart and Eric Crouch. We have faced Florida quarterbacks before like Shane Matthews, Rex Grossman and Danny Wuerffel. Never before has a perfect storm existed like Tim Tebow. To listen to scouts and pundits, he may be the worst QB since Jefferson Elementary in Pierre, South Dakota let the fat kid play QB as recess ended. But, I don?t think they understand the magnitude of suck. Tim Tebow will be as bad a QB as Tebow loves God. It?s an everlasting fart of corruption. We have to stand together as fans and as the league to make sure this eternal suck does not taint our game.

(Hold for applause.)

More problems will arise, but we will face them together, all of us, huddled together on the mighty couch of freedom, or the consequential porcelain throne of justice, watching the greatest sport in the world. Thank you.