Stupid “Lost” Theories: So You Know Where It Isn’t Going

Editor’s Note: And this concludes “Lost” day. Hopefully the gallery of fine ladies a post back made up for this day of dorkdom. Tomorrow, we return to our regularly scheduled program.

My friends, “Lost” is about to become the cultural phenomenon of the spring, following past cultural phenomena like “Pants on the Ground”, “Avatar” and Barack Obama. It will become the must have for spring collections of conversation.

One problem, you haven’t seen a single episode and as far as you know, there’s a character named Alexander Supertramp, they’re lost in Alaska near an old abandoned bus and can’t cross a river to get to safety. Never fear, my advice to you is to skip work, not to go to sleep for the next seventy-two hours and watch all the previous episodes so that way you can finally break into the accounting department’s Wednesday morning conversations. No? You’re not on crystal meth and you like sleep? Fine. Bluff your way through. (Quick tips, Kate is hot and Hurley is cool.) Just remember, pull the bullshit cord quick if you hear one of these theories.

1. They are all particles within an atom.

Sure, of course, atoms. Those atoms make up the atoms of a larger universe, which is in turn making up a larger universe and yawn for infinity. In this theory, there are positive particles (Hurley, Locke), negative particles (Benjamin Linus, Michael), neutral particles (Rose, Bernard), the lesser-known pretty particles (Jack, Kate, Sawyer), Jacob particles (Jacob), dog particles (Vincent) and Other particles (Juliet, Richard Alpert).

Why it isn’t true: Because it’s dumb and unless the law of conservation of mass suddenly reads, “Matter cannot be created or destroyed unless Sun or Claire pop out a particle,” it just wouldn’t work.

2. They were on the island all along.

In this theory, the plane crash has no survivors and it was just an Other beach party that caught a full concussion wave that gave them all instant and permanent amnesia. Immediately they all just assumed they had been on the plane since the plane parts landed on all the evidence of a rockin’ beach party: the suckling pig, the volleyball net and the Annette Funicello records.

Why it isn’t true: No matter how hard the concussion wave, you can never forget Annette Funicello records.

3. The characters and adventures of the people of “Lost” are just stories that Rose and Bernard tell each other.

Rose and Bernard are the only survivors of Oceanic Flight 815. Eventually they make shelter, find some edible plants and settle down to wait for rescue. Every night, they tell stories to each other to help each other stomach the anticipated long wait on this deserted island. In the meantime, unbeknownst to them, the edible plants’ hallucinogenic properties start to affect them and their stories start to get wicked trippy. When they’re finally discovered at the end of this season, they’ve made the closest possible thing to tin foil hats – sand hats.

Why it isn’t true: Silly rabbit, sand hats don’t exist.

4. “Lost” is an elaborate commercial for “Island Chess 3D”, the new game from the makers of Duke Nukem.

In this chess game, it is the Survivors vs. the Others. Locke and Jacob are the Kings, Kate and Juliet are the Queens, Jack, Sawyer, Richard and Benjamin are rooks, etc. In this version though, you can land on the same space as someone from the other side, your side, or even the same space as the Tail Section People who appear after your game has been played for twenty hours. Then, you can “capture” them (euphemism for “kill”), make love to them, go back in time with them and live in a nice ranch home, or anything your heart desires involving a smoke monster. The winner is decided at the end of eighty one hours, when a button appears and whoever presses it first wins.

Why it isn’t true: Still waiting on “Duke Nukem Forever,” thank you very much.

5. The series all takes place inside the head of Hurley as he is locked in an insane asylum.

Hurley just sits there and listens to the stories and watches the actions of all the people that surround him. There’s crazy time travel guy! There’s the guy who keeps digging holes that go crazy places! There’s the guy who likes to press the easy button every hour and forty-eight minutes! There’s wheelchair guy who pretends he can walk by crawling along the floor! Those ideas all combine nicely with whatever Hurley is thinking. Neato!

Why it isn’t true: Not enough thoughts given over to two hundred foot tall cupcakes covered with gummi polar bears and chocolate icing.

Anything else you hear will probably be a viable solution to that which is “Lost.” Including my theory that the nuclear device destroyed the show entirely so that it won’t exist at all this year and will be replaced by Jay Leno. Happy viewing!