Topical Cream: 1.29

Johnny Depp is not Dead: The Pirates of the Caribbean star might look a bit peaked, but he?s still in the land of the living. Depp has become a favorite target of death hoaxers, who scored again this week with the rumor that the actor had died in a Paris car wreck ? a falsehood that hit Twitter with the force of a neutron bomb. In recent years, Depp has also died of heart attack, drug overdose, and mysterious natural causes; at home and on a movie set; and in several different countries. He?s just that multi-faceted.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand: According to the previews, this STARZ series could have been more honestly subtitled ?Blood and Sex?. A great deal of that sex involves a naked Lucy Lawless, which is great news to anyone who might be nursing?a decade-old crush on Xena the Warrior Princess. It?s gory and sexy, like HBO?s canceled series Rome, with a heavy dose of campy dialogue that may or may not be bad on purpose. If you like your he-men in skirts, and your she-women in even less, this is the show for you.

iSamJackson: Samuel L. Jackson is the poet laureate of swearing. Now his enduring talent is available to all with the iSamJackson app for iPhone and iPod Touch. It?s not movie quotes, but all original statements straight from the horse?s dirty mouth. One of the most enjoyable screens is a thumb-print scanner that issues Mr. Jackson?s salty assessment of the scanee, based on a quick study of his unique whorls and ridges. Also, just in time for the Super Bowl, the makers of the app have provided a downloadable sports package, including the immortal ?Maaan?! Get that mother@#$er some glasses!!? iSamJackson didn?t invent referee-bashing, they just made it better.

Mel Gibson?s Edge of Darkness: Mel takes a break from directing and being non-politically-correct to star in an edgy action vehicle. Seems like old times again, right? You don?t know the half of it, buddy. Gibson stars as a renegade?police detective who launches his own investigation after his daughter is murdered on the steps of his Boston home. I loved this movie the first time, when it was called Mystic River. Isn?t there an ancient Sanskrit epic you could be writing up right about now, Mel?

Amy Fisher is all grown up: Some of you may remember the Long Island Lolita, the seventeen-year-old girl who slept with a mulleted? and Zubazed older man named Joey Buttafuoco and then shot his wife in the face for no apparent reason. After serving seven years of her sentence, Fisher?is now free to continue?the long downward slide of the infamous. Now 35 years old, Fisher is an adult film star who plans to Strip for Haiti. Which is? generous of her, we guess.

Apple Tablet: Apparently tired of making gadgets smaller, Apple is stirring up the Nerd Herd with a new product tentatively known as the iTablet. The device features a ten-inch screen and a virtual keyboard that includes the classic iPod touch-wheel. As such, it is being pitched as a do-it-all digital buddy that can serve as computer, mp3 player, and even a video screen suitable for attaching to the treadmill or minivan seat back. When it can pour me a drink, let me know.

Who Dat?!:

Dat is Cassie Ventura is a singer, model, and actress who appeared in the video for Kanye West?s single ?Stronger?. Her exotic beauty is a direct product of her lineage, which includes Filipino, African-American, Caribbean, and Mexican influences. Cassie shocked her fans by shaving one side of her head in 2009, but that episode was quickly left in the rear-view mirror when topless photos hit the internet just days later. Go fetch, Google Boy.