What SIM Rob Taught Me about Myself and Dating (The Easy Way)

I watch myself lurk the streets at 3am, hoping to find a female I am yet to offend. I am starving, urgently need to pee, and have not showered in days. Yet I wander under unforgiving streetlights driven by desperation. I pass familiar houses, the same houses that threw me out because I aggressively hit on a female resident. I?ve had several warnings that I was ?creeping out? the females I approached. But I disregarded it all, continuing my shameless shenanigans: following women on the street, barging into their homes, finding them hiding from me around town.

Meet my SIMS 3 character, SIM Rob:

Since graduating sixth grade, I hadn?t purchased a videogame until last week when I downloaded the SIMS 3 app to my iPhone. The thought of creating a ?SIM Rob? to test my dating theories in the virtual world seemed funny (and a cool idea for an article). So I splurged the 8 bucks and went to town ? SIM town.

I meticulously crafted my character to match my real-world auburn hair (with widow?s peak), brown cowboy boots, and pasty white skin. Next, I bestowed SIM Rob with a spattering of my personality traits: talkative, loud, somewhat vain, and occasionally funny. Last Wednesday I unleashed SIM Rob onto the unsuspecting SIM village to get his SIM creep on.

And creep on he did.

In the game, to approach a female you simply click on a woman and tell your SIM to ?meet? her. As someone who has coached guys through their approach anxiety, I commended SIM Rob?s no-excuse-making attitude. Once he approached, however, things inevitably went south.

Controlling SIM Rob?s interactions with a menu, I advised him to skip ?Greeting? or ?Be Funny? with women. Instead, I had him cut right to the chase, selecting ?Be Romantic.? That brought a sub-menu with options like ?Flirt,? ?Pickup Line,? or ?Tender Embrace.? In an attempt to keep SIM Rob as true-to-form as real Rob, I chose ?Tender Embrace? and then ?Pickup Line.?

Oddly, SIM women did not like me.

In fact, I found myself freaking out the women, offending the men, and creating SIM enemies wherever I told SIM Rob to go. Once you botch the approach, an option comes up in the menu that gives you an opportunity to ?Apologize for Creepiness.?

Apologize for creepiness?! I?m not being creepy, I yelled at my iPhone, If these SIM prudes have a problem with my approach, it?s their issue, not mine!

Angrily, I had SIM Rob approach another set, feeling confident the next SIM cutie would appreciate his physicality and direct approach. But it was more of the same, ?You are creeping out Kia,? ?You are creeping out Carly,? ?You are creeping out Genet.? Fuck, I even creeped out a few of the SIM men as I attempted to SIM AMOG them!

SIM Rob entered SIM town on Wednesday and by Friday, he couldn?t approach anyone without his reputation preceding him. I?d effectively blown SIM Rob out of SIM town. On the one hand, it may just be a stupid videogame with no relevance in the real world. I know (from real-world experience) that approaching women directly and physically is vastly more effective than ?Greeting? them or trying to ?Be funny.?

On the other hand, there is a lesson. How many of us keep banging our head against the wall, creeping people out without calibrating our approach? I?ve certainly been guilty of this. Many of us hold our theories and ideas as dogma, refusing to accept any alternative to what we consider ?the truth.?

Perhaps starting interactions with a tender embrace followed by a pickup line is an effective strategy for meeting girls in New York City, but in SIM town, it doesn?t work. What strategies are you holding to that are holding you back?

Assess the strategy you believe to be ?the truth.? Take inventory: are you really getting the success you want? If nothing else, let SIM Rob teach you a lesson in flexibility. Because no one wants to be the creepy SIM, excommunicated from everyone?s house and roaming the streets at 3am.