Topical Cream, 1.22

Zamboni that Desk, Slob! There?s only one name in ice rink cleaning, and that?s Zamboni. Now, they?re the first word in office hygiene as well. The Desk Zamboni will?vacuum up pencil shavings, nubbins from your erasers, and those little round pieces of?scrap that come out of printer paper. Why yes, it has been a long time since I worked in an office, why do you ask? Please remove all hats and/or octopi from the playing surface before employing the Zamboni.

Hendricks AND Golden Globes The Oscars Lite have always been ripe for the double-entendre, as top starlets walk the red carpet in low-cut gowns, vying for camera time. This year?s Globes, hosted by british comedian Ricky Gervais, spawned one of the top Boolean search terms of the weekend, as the bodacious redheaded Mad Men star took the show?s title quite literally.

Pants on the Ground 62-year-old military veteran Larry Platt auditioned for American Idol with his original song deploring current urban fashion trends. Two days after the episode aired, his lyrics were coming out of the mouths of celebrities from Brett Favre to Jimmy Fallon. We mention this only to reinforce the modern notion that one needn?t be good at something to become famous ? he need only be on television.

MS Paint World Microsoft Paint comes free with most computers. The average joe uses it to paint a triple chin on photos of his boss or paste his own head on?Hugh Jackman’s?body. This guy spent four years creating a painting big enough to cover a bedroom wall. Which is one use for a bedroom, we guess, but not the one we would have chosen.

Love?s Sparkly Lady Parts I suppose she had to do something to draw men?s eyes away from her spectacular northerly endowments, but the news that Jennifer Love Hewitt deploys body glitter south of her personal Mason-Dixon line comes as quite a surprise. We can all hope this trend will? rub off on the women in our town in the very near future.

Buff Dudes with Wings Remember how badass the Hawkmen were in the 1980 version of Flash Gordon? No? How about Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in Dogma? Anyway, in two movies opening this weekend, feathers and six-pack abs are the look for fashionable gentlemen. Legion features Paul Bettany as the archangel Michael, bent on protecting Earth from God?s avenging swarms,?while Tooth Fairy puts tea-party wings on The Rock and plays it for laughs. Book your really original Halloween costume now.

Stringless Guitars Raise your hand if your guitar-playing friends ever sniffed that Guitar Hero wasn?t ?real guitar playing?. Open your mind, Eddie Van Hater, because the new Misa guitar is taking the concept one step further. Instead of that annoying up-and-down clicker, the Misa offers multiple dimensions of sound control with the aid of a touch-screen for the strumming/picking hand. Watch the video, it?s beyond awesome. It?s beyawesome.

Who Dat?!

Dat is Elisabetta Canalis. Gawk while you still can, because rumor has it that Elisabetta is about to take her assets private. Uber-male George Clooney has spent a great deal of time with the Italian model and TV star, and word is the two may have tamed one another, and are considering marriage. Fortunately, internet photo search is forever.