Topical Cream: The stuff that rises to the top of the internet

Editor’s Note: Strap it in, folks. For the foreseeable future — which, honestly, isn’t all that far seeing as we can’t even predict what’s going to happen tomorrow — Mr. Eric Angevine will be recapping all that you need to know about the world (Internet and actual) every Friday right here in this space. Do greet him with open arms and occasional back rubs.

Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol. That?s right, the sarcastic Brit who can take down musical poseurs with one well-placed insult is moving on to greener pa$tures. He?ll continue judging the good, the bad, and the ugly on the new U.S. version of ?The X Factor?,?the hit show he created for UK television. The only remaining member of the original judging lineup will be Randy Jackson, who was philosophical about the move, saying ?Yo, dawg. It?s ai?ight. The show?s going to be a little pitchy in places next season, but for you, for me? This move will be the bomb for Simon. An? we still got it goin? on, dawg! We blowin’ up!!?

Season three of ?Chuck? hauls in ratings. Zachary Levi might get the laughs as the titular nerd-turned-superspy, but badass babe Yvonne Strahovski is the one who keeps male eyeballs coming back week after week. Sunday?s two-hour premiere featured one of the show?s trademark scenes, as Strahovski?s character Sarah Walker and another female agent put a whole new spin on the term ?undercover? by hiding guns in their scoop bras and actual stilettos in their high heels. In slow motion, with music. Chuck?s sister Ellie (Sarah Lancaster) is extremely easy on the eyes, as well.

James Cameron becomes virtual King of the World. You may have to skip dinner and set aside an entire evening for Cameron?s latest three-plus-hour endurance flick, but the early returns say it?s worth it. It?s got a love story for the ladies, action for the guys, and a nebulous anti-corporate message for the self-righteous (why, yes, it is a crock thanks for asking), this film has it all. It?s already earned $1.3 billion worldwide and is set to eclipse the $1.8 billion?banked by the?industry?s previous top earner, ?Titanic?, another Cameron production.

Ford shows Detroit how it?s done. The Ford Motor Company swept last week?s Detroit Auto Show awards, garnering Best Truck for the Transit Connect van and Best Car for the fuel-efficient Fusion Hybrid. Ford refused to take a penny of public money in ’09, yet triumphed over bailout king GM and several foreign automakers in both categories. Score two for good old-fashioned American ingenuity.

Conan gets screwed by network. Red-headed talk show host Conan O?Brien is reaping huge gains in popularity following the news that NBC plans to bump him back to 12:05 to make room for prime-time failure Jay Leno. O?Brien is handling the demotion gracefully, with his trademark self-deprecating humor, and could be setting himself up to make a lucrative Letterman-like move in the future.

It?s a Wonderful Life. ?Every time a bell rings, an angel gets (her) wings!? Meet new supermodel Kylie Bisutti. The Cali-born 19-year-old won the first-ever Victoria?s Secret model search contest. Welcome to our fantasies, Kylie, we’ll see you on the runway.

Sword canes rule! Jude Law, portraying a pugilistic Dr. Watson,?used one to battle evil in the recent big-screen revival of ?Sherlock Holmes?. There may be no finer combination of gentlemanly elegance and reliable self-defense on the market today. Word to the wise, however ? leave it at home if you’re traveling by aeroplane, because?

Airport employees are checking out your junk. The Transportation Safety Administration?s increased reliance on whole-body imaging machines in the wake of the foiled underwear bombing plot has civil libertarians and chubby folk up in arms. Seems the?scanners are capable of recording and transmitting grainy pseudo-nude images of air travelers. ?Having worked in a bookstore that sold?porno mags, I know fetishists like some pretty strange stuff, but it takes a special kind of weirdo to get off on something like this. It?s a brave new world out there.

Super-phone battles. Either of these devices can make calls, text, run your video-game apps and allow you to ignore?friends &?family for hours at a time. You can spend time comparing carriers, LEDs, operating systems, and weight measured in grams if you?d like, but it really comes down to this: do you prefer Star Trek (Nexus One) or Star Wars (Droid)?

Who dat?! Cora Skinner has been just barely visible on shows like CSI Miami, Deal or No Deal, and The Office. We devoutly hope that will change, and soon. The brunette stunner deserves maximum visibility as soon as possible. Like, yesterday, man.