Being A Number: Considering Big Mac, Tiger and You

“You are number six.” – Number Two.
“That was the number I was going to choose anyway.” – Stan Musial, St. Louis Cardinals.

Did Mark McGwire admitting he used steroids do the good that reporters suggested it would? Or did it finally give them the story they’ve wanted since 2005? Would it help Tiger if he talked to Bob Costas about when he started boinking skanks, the names of the skanks and whether or not they helped him when he played golf?

When it comes down to it, I think the uproar is all about numbers. How many times did Mark McGwire do steroids? How many skanks did Tiger boink? Would McGwire’s statistics without steroids be enough for the Baseball Hall of Fame? Will Tiger pass Jack Nicklaus’ 18 majors with all of these boinking distractions?

Let’s face it, it’s not just Tiger and McGwire, it’s all of us. We are all numbers. When we die, the first thing after our name used to identify us is our age. If numerologists are to be believed (they aren’t) our name is a number as well.

Number of years working with a company? Check. GPA? Check. Number of guys blown in a twenty-four hour period (porn stars only)? Check. Number of cats you own (crazy cat ladies only)? Check.

For sports fans, I could rattle off a list of numbers and immediately you would be able to tell me the person associated with that number. 99. 56. 61. 42. 4. 23. 16. 1.

(For non-sports fans, those numbers correspond to Wayne Gretzky, Joe DiMaggio, Roger Maris, Jackie Robinson, Brett Favre, Michael Jordan, Joe Montana and Dave Dravecky, meaning, the number of arms he has.)

The most important aspects of “Avatar” are not the story, the actors or the special effects. It is the amount it cost to make and the amount that it has made at the box office. Trying to explain the world of the Na’vi in a sound clip (or anything that sounds intelligent – I mean seriously, talking trees?) is not as easy as saying it is the second highest grossing film of all time.

Seems like everything has a number – except you. Which of your numbers is your number? Never fear, I’m here to help you realize what it is by asking you some simple questions.

Are you over forty? No, seriously, are you over forty? Just answer the question. Fine, your number is 39.

Are you a girl? If yes, do you have big boobs? I mean really big boobs. Yes, those are big boobs. Your number is 38DD.

Do you make enough money to be in the highest possible tax bracket? Your salary is your number. You’re welcome.

Are you a President of the United States? Your number is your presidency number.

Did you get into Yale? Are you still a virgin? Your number is your SAT score.

Did you get into a community college? SAT score is out, try using your high school GPA. You were home schooled and you’re still a virgin? Of course you are. Well, bluff with two.

Is your name Wilt Chamberlain and you are reading this from your internet connection in the afterlife? Your number is 20,000.

Are you a professional athlete? Did you drink a lot? Your number is 80 proof. Did you drive after drinking? Your number is .10. Did you take amphetamines? Still feeling jittery? Your number is infinity. Try counting there; it will give you something to do. Did you gamble? Your number is 3-1. Did you shoot someone? Your number is 357. Did you take steroids, HGH or any performance enhancing drugs? Your number is zero.

These numbers are precious. Protect yours with your life. If someone tries to make your number seem worse or smaller through lying, cheating, drugs, a particularly hard hitting op-ed piece or an especially deep insult, then you must beat them down, preferably metaphorically, since my number is better than all of yours and you all smell like chicken gravy.

Whatever you do, do not try to change your number. Look at McGwire and Tiger. If they’d have been happy with 40 and 1 instead of 70 and goodness knows how many skanks, they wouldn’t be where they are today. But, as bad as cheating, lying or drugs are, and those are bad, none are nearly as bad as breast augmentation. That’s just wrong.