Ruination of Modern English: The Plague of Internetspeak

In case you’ve been living in a garbage can for the past decade, people on the Internet write like retards. Sure, it may seem playful enough, maybe even a bit cute, but make no mistake: it will ruin your fucking life. It’s time to educate us all on the early warning signs, as well as what you can do to save a loved one or even yourself from this vicious epidemic.

Early symptoms begin by typing a single, dreaded “LOL.” This abbreviation for “laughing out loud,” used in context to convey hilarity, doesn’t even make sense. Tell me, how else would someone laugh but out loud? Could I find myself “LIS” (laughing in silence)? Forgive me for attempting to turn the Internet into a philosophical enigma, but I dare say that “LOL” marks the beginning of a warped sense of reality.

In fact, “LOL” is a gateway acronym that leads to other, more serious textual abbreviations. One day you’ll be innocently “LOL”ing, only to find yourself suddenly expressing affection with a nonsensical series of numbers (i.e. 143). Next, you’ll be using a more potent, vulgar form of “LOL”: the infamous “LMAO”. You might even begin to invent your own spellings of words, changing “cool” to the obnoxious “kewl” or “okay” to the lazy man’s “k”. Eventually this destructive lifestyle will leave you face down in a gutter, absent-mindedly typing “WTF.”

Where are the “LOL”s now?

As Internet users enter a downward spiral, they quickly find themselves relying on a gang of no-good hoodlums to communicate their innermost emotions. The “dirty dozen” I speak of are the band of yellow-faced smilies that appear to be taking over every toolbar and Internet browser.

These smug punks have a face for your every mood. The old-school versions of being happy 🙂 or giving a wink 😉 just don’t cut it any more. If you’re feeling debonair, maybe the guy wearing the sunglasses fits your fancy. A wacky mood deserves none other than the dude with his tongue flailing out like Gene Simmons. And as for the screaming face, look out! Someone is pissed!

Now I’m not trying to preach from the proverbial soapbox. I’ll admit I had a spate back in the late 90s where I was using 10 to 15 smilies a day, sometimes 3 or 4 in a single email. I know addiction firsthand. I know what it’s like to watch your hopes and dreams go down in a fit of typo gibberish. This is no “j/k” matter.

So stop looking the other way when you see someone ignoring those red underlines in Word and shutting up that Paperclip. Listen to the Paperclip. He’s trying to help! Sure, he may be a bit annoying, perhaps a little preachy, but he’s delivering you from the mouth of this ravenous beast known as RETARDATION.

Look. No one’s telling you to stop chatting it up. Just do so responsibly. After all, TDNCWGC (technology does not come without great cost). 😮