Introducing, Your New Internet Meme: Fat Kid Loves Bacon

I cannot stop watching this:

The video is obviously from some unnamed ABC (?) reality show about fat people getting less fat, or something like that. Kind of like Trading Spouses, but with fatties. (Feel free to let me know which show it is in the comments.) In any case, it doesn’t really matter what show it’s from. The important part is the panache and determination of the young gent. He’s that special kind of chunky that makes him nearly ageless – if you said he was six years old or twelve, I’d believe you – so it’s not entirely clear if his adult-like way of speaking is the sign of a prodigy or just par for the course.

In fact, I’m so intrigued by his way of speaking, I’ve gone ahead and transcribed it. Here is Everything The Fat Kid Who Loves Bacon Said in the clip:

“No! I don’t like this crap!”

“(angry, jumping grunt!)”

“No, I want my bacon. I got to tell you something: Bacon is good for me.”

“This is very mean.”

“She thinks, out of the blue, she’s a smart little girl, that she can do whatever she wants. No! That’s not how … she can do it in our family. She’s act like she’s the queen, and we’re the sorry people.”

“Joy, I have been nice to you but now I’m coming to the edge.”

“No, I keep losing at deals. And I don’t want to make a deal anymore! I am leaving. And you can’t stop me. I’m packing my bags. And I’m very, very prune day into this (?). A bolt in the road comes (?) and she’s be’s sarcastic.”

“I won’t be coming back until Saturday, where you leave.”

“She’s going to try to stop me, but she can’t run in those little high heels.”

“You’ll never see … this face again.”

If the authorities find me in a few months, dead in my apartment from apparently not ever leaving my couch, it’s because of this video.