Long Distance Relationship Woes? Try “The Agreement”

If this article was a TV sitcom and I said “Hey guys! Long distance relationships work!” an explosion of canned laughter would erupt. Like kids with ADD, long distance relationships are destined to fail. The long distance truism is obvious every year as summer winds down and college students gear up for another year of loose and inconsequential sexual adventures.

Maybe I was a bit harsh in that opening paragraph. I admit, staying with the person you’re with now has its pros, and breaking up definitely involves condoms. So let’s outline how you can have your cake and eat girls out, too.

First, let me make it clear I’m not offering advice your mom gave you like, “Send your sweetheart off with a surprise gift!” Take it from a guy who’s tried surprising his college girlfriend with everything from flowers to positive pregnancy tests: it doesn’t work.

If it came as a shock to you that I had a girlfriend in college, just imagine how the babes I hooked up with felt! Nevertheless, it’s true; I had the same girlfriend for all 4 years of my college experience. That pretty much means I have a proverbial PhD in “How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work.” Or, as I like to call it: “Sorta Cheat on your Significant Other without Feeling Guilty.” Or, as you’ll like to call it: “The Agreement.”

It’s simple! Follow directions below and you’ll have the permission slip that absolves you of any post-coital guilt! Essentially, this is the college student’s Magna Carta for getting ass.

Directions:

1.) Cut out along dotted lines

2.) Fill in the blanks

3.) Have soon-to-be estranged partner sign at bottom

4.) Sex, sex, sexy sex!

THE AGREEMENT

I, _____________________________(significant other’s name), hereby grant permission to _____________________________(your name) to embark upon whatever sexual exploits he/she deems appropriate during the 2009-10 academic school year.

Due to the distance between our respective universities, I understand celibacy is futile. Therefore, by consenting to a mutually open agreement for sexcapades, I hope to eliminate any pangs of guilt either party may experience after a night of Dionysian ecstasy.

I further acknowledge that by referencing a Greek god in the last sentence, the author of this article was attempting to appear smarter than he really is in an underhanded scheme to cash in on some single babes that this agreement aims to emancipate.

In the event either of us should hook up with a monster and/or beast matching a description found in any R.L. Stein Goosebumps young adult novels omitting ______________________ (write in favorite Goosebumps characters. Author’s suggestions: Carly Beth in The Haunted Mask and everyone in Monster Blood II) this contract will become void, and the right to claim the offending party has small/smelly genitals will be reserved.

Failure to conform to all the tenets of this contract will result in sitting by the phone Friday nights as the other party cheats regardless.

Signed,

___________________________________________________