The Five Stages of the College Breakup

Breaking up with someone is sort of like putting a pet to sleep, in that everyone finds it funny but you.

Back in college, I remember after a break up, one of my “bros” watched me spiral into misery and he made a rather insightful comment about people ending relationships. He said, “Dude, you’re totally going through the five stages of loss: Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.” His Psych101 wisdom, while not comforting, inspired me to write this “observation” on the college breakup.

And here it is… the five stages of loss and breaking up for college students. Hope you get some lulz. At my expense.

AIMger – In a flagrant showing of maturity, you decide to confront your problems on the internet.com. So you log onto AIM, sit, and wait like Charley in a trench for that away message to come down so you can bombard that formally special someone with a barrage of “wtf”s and “OMFG”s. Fingers will fly as if you’re translating a Kanye West freestyle into sign language…

Destyle – In a dismal attempt to be cool, you hit the town flapping money and talking game like you’re a P-I-M-P. If someone asks about the ex, you might nonchalantly sip your beer and respond, “Oh, that person I used to hook up?” Newsflash: You’re not cool. You’re the lowest loser on the loser pecking order (known as a leaper loser). Listen up braggadocio; wipe that stupid shit-eating grin off your face. Yeah, that’s right. You look like you just ingested a McFecal Deluxe. No one is buying your cool guy routine. Go back to your computer. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.

Bar-Goggling – This is the pitiable stage where you realize that person is not coming back. In your lament, you may enter their name into a Goggle search with the intent of learning secrets pertaining to their lives. For instance, say I Goggled my breakups name, maybe I’d learn she was a runner up for Miss Teen Oklahoma while simultaneously finding out that I’m a huge stalker.

Beeression – It’s time to drink that person away, and you’re not stopping until consciousness is lost, or pants are peed. In a fit of Beeression you may slip back into a stage of being AIMgry and under the auspices of a drunken stupor you may come up with some stellar ideas. Example being: maybe in a weak attempt to get your ex’s attention you’ll claim to have contracted a rare disease which leaves you only days to live. Ironically, a venereal disease got you dumped in the first place. Go Team Desperate!

Sexceptance – Bumming at a party, someone might find your needy disposition “sexy.” For guys, girls who will find desperation sexy are uniformly either beastly warpigs or slutty sluts. So perhaps you’ll find your rebound girl at the bottom of a pudding-wrestling pit, or she might simply be eating the pudding-wrestling pit. Regardless, take the Family Double Dare Physical Challenge and let her put some chocolate stains in your underwear that aren’t skid marks. Or simply suck the face off a random fatty.

Alright! So let’s do an MC Hammer breakdown and review the aforementioned five stages: you’re a loser, you’re a loser, you’re loser, you’re loser, you got an STD and/or you have an obese stalker. Nice. I love dating in college!