The Best Items from the Michael Jackson Auction

Last week, every item at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch was put up for auction as a way to get the King of Pop some extra cash in order to pay for Bubbles food, or botched nose jobs, or videos that definitely are not child porn, or something else funny. To maximize the amount of bids, the entire Beverly Hills-based catalog was open to the public, allowing fine citizens like you or me to see the items first hand to best decide how much cash-money they would offer to obtain, say, Jackson’s crotch-grabbing glove.

Thankfully for all of us, comedian Paul Scheer (he of MTV’s “Human Giant” fame) was on hand to document just how much bat-shit crazy Michael Jackson has at his palatial estate. For instance, what the fuck is this?

Or this?

Or, jesuschrist, why does this exist?

Apparently, Neverland Ranch contains every item from every nightmare, ever. Please, please, please go to the official photosteam to see all of Scheer’s favorite items from the auction. They are well worth a look-see, especially if you never want to sleep again.