Fun With Baseball Stats: It’s Already Over

The first week of the baseball season is always the most fun (outside of the playoffs, at least). It’s when every team still has hope that this will be their year, even the Pirates. It’s when young out-of-nowhere rookies like the Marlins’ Emilio Bonifacio make an immediate impact and get picked up in every fantasy baseball league ever. It’s when, hilariously, over-exuberant fans in New York, Philadelphia or Boston declare their seasons over after losing two of their first three games, ignoring the fact that the season is only 2% over.

To celebrate the first week, let’s take out our trusty calculator, crunch some numbers, and produce a few of the stats that will, no doubt, be placed in the record books at the end of the year. As of today, these are what a few players and teams are on pace for:

1. Tigers third baseman Brandon Inge will break Barry Bonds home run record by knocking out 121 of his own.
2. Reds first baseman Joey Votto will knock in 378 RBIs, destroying Hack Wilson’s previous record of knocking in 191 during the 1930 season.
3. Mets All-Star third baseman David Wright (and fantasy top-5 pick) will hit zero home runs and knock in zero RBIs.
4. Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez will break his own record of 62 saves, set last year, by amassing an astounding 107 this year.
5. The Cleveland Indians will go 0-162 this year. Meanwhile, the Texas Rangers will go 162-0.
6. Marlins rookie sensation Emilio Bonifacio will break Rickey Henderson’s record of 130 stolen bases in a season by swiping 216 of his own. He will also hit for a .517 average, which will destroy Nap Lajoie’s record .426 average which he hit for the Philadelphia Athletics way back in 1901.
7. However, pitcher Tim Lincecum will be among eight players to break that record by hitting a perfect 1.000.
8. And best of all, the Yankees will win 54 games, costing the team roughly $3,730,540.54 a victory. What recession?