What I’ve Learned So Far in 2009

2009 Quarter Way Through Review

We have almost reached the end of the first quarter of 2009 and it has been a turbulent year for many people with no signs of relief anytime soon. While most people find pain in these challenging times, I find opportunity. With that, I would like to share some of what I have learned so far in 2009 and perhaps help you out in the process.

1. A down economy isn’t that bad – In fact it is actually quite a time saver! I have easily shaved 20 minutes off of my commute, each way, because unemployed people don’t drive to work. I no longer have to make reservations to my favorite restaurants or even wait in line because unemployed people don’t eat out. Lastly, it is even easier to meet women as there is much less competition. Girls either get drunk off of $10 or convince men to buy them drinks. This influx of needy women has driven the cash strapped fellows out of many of the most desirable meat markets. Love it.

2. A karate roll says a lot about you – Imagine for a moment that you are attending a local beer festival or other related outdoor social activity. It is very important to make your presence known. A simple jump/tuck/roll movement followed by a graceful return to your feet lets the nearby women know you are ready to mate all the while letting the nearby men know that you are not to be trifled with. Not even the outstretched feathers of the male peacock sends such an effective message. (This could apply indoors as well, but be careful of the hardened floors…you could really hurt yourself.)

3. Global warming is a good thing – I was hanging out by my pool in February. I can’t burn fossil fuel fast enough!

4. Jack Bauer can solve any crisis if you just stay out of his way – Fucking Agent Moss…

5. The shittier a place is to live, the better sports town it is – Look at places like Pittsburgh, Dallas and pretty much anywhere in the South. Those places are fucking dumps, but they sure do love their sports teams. If I had as many fingers as I did teeth I would enjoy the simple pleasures in life too.

In the middle, we have places like New York, Chicago, and Boston. Cool cities, but the weather sucks so people turn to sports to take their mind off the fact that their nuts are frozen and that they will likely be mugged at gun point within the next week (statistically speaking of course).

Lastly, we have the San Diego’s, Scottsdale’s, and LA’s of the world. These cities tend to take a lot of heat for not having as "passionate” sports fans. Can you blame us? I love football almost as much as sex, but when you can golf year round, go from surfing to skiing within a couple of hours and women actually work out because the are not covered in jackets all year long; you would get a little distracted too.

6. People only care when it is convenient – Every year, 60,000 people die in automobile related deaths; conversely hand guns (3000 deaths annually) are on the verge of becoming illegal. This isn’t funny, I just wish people would either be equal opportunity complainers of shut the hell up.

7. Instead of working I should become impregnated by In Vetro fertilization, shit out 8 kids and live off of the government for the rest of my life – Do I need any more details in this business plan or can I just get started?

8. I can easily disqualify people I would never want to hang out with or speak with by asking 3 simple questions:

1) Do they drink Mountain Dew?
2) Do they have bumper stickers or a personalized license plate?
3) Do they openly discuss their dreams?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you are a douche bag. Do yourself and the world a favor and kill yourself immediately.

9. Jello shots are awesome. Period. End of story. –

10. The "Freecreditreport.com” commercials are one of the most compelling shows on TV – Those guys have been through everything! I mean from getting married, to working in a restaurant, buying a new car, and they even found a way to incorporate the renaissance fair. Ten seasons of Friends didn’t even cover that much material and their song wasn’t nearly as fun to sing along with. Those fuckers are amazing and even though your credit sucks because you are unemployed, they give you something to sing about. Brilliant!