Study Time: Red Staters Love Porn

The crucifix isn’t the only thing erect in God’s country.

A new study published in the Journal of Economic Perspectives shows that those folks living in good old fashioned America red states love nothing more than spending the few hours a day they’re not in church staring at their computer, watching people have sexual intercourse. (Here’s a PDF of the full report if you want.)

The worst offender is Utah, land of John Stockton, Karl Malone, and a bukkake load of crazy, crazy Mormons, who have 5.47 porn subscribers per thousand broadband users. Sarah Palin’s Alaska follows closely behind with 5.03. California, the largest producer of porn and the home of “everything that’s wrong with our country” according to red state philosophy, is a prudish 39th on the list. Even more hilarious is this little extrapolation of the data:

“The researcher also found a marginally higher rate of porn subscribers in the 27 states that had passed ‘defense of marriage’ amendments to keep same-sex marriages unconstitutional compared to states that had no such laws.”

So, while God can’t stand it when two homosexual people enter into a long-term agreement to love each other until death separates them, he’s really into his followers sitting in front of a computer and dropping a nice, warm load onto their stomachs.

Unfortunately, the study does not provide any correlation between how much one spends on Internet porn and what kind of IQ that person has. You see, I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but the Internet has a pretty decent amount of free pornography out there. Like, everywhere. Type in two random words, put a dot-com after it, and there’s a good chance you’ll go to a page where a penis is entering some sort of hole. Which begs the question, are there just more stupid people in red states? My hypothesis is yes, which is why I went ahead and made this chart. And we all know you can’t argue with charts.

Now all those crazy conservatives have another reason to be red … from embarrassment!