How to Voice Your Opinion Without Sounding Like Crazy Christian Bale

Express Yourself the Right Way

Recently Christian Bale’s rant on the set of the Terminator movie earned him the top spot on the prima donna podium, and more than anything he managed to terminate any lingering benefit of the doubt insofar as his purported anger. It wasn’t the first time (the Brits have already slapped him with an abuse charge following a throwdown with Mom and Sis) and it probably won’t be the last that Batman was accused of Hulk-like rage. But this time, it was directed at a member of the film crew. And we all know it’s best not to shit where you eat, unless you’re trying to live in Manhattan on a writer’s salary.

Of course sometimes it can be difficult voicing your opinion when life hands you lemons, a massive paycut, or an unfaithful girlfriend that’s been shacking up with your best friend in a hotel and charging it to your credit card. You might want to pelt your girlfriend, your buddy, and your boss with those lemons, but revenge isn’t as productive as we might like to believe. When it comes to communication, it tends to be best to think Bond, not Bale.

So how to keep it cool? Be your own translator. When you want to tell the cop that pulled you over for driving three miles over the speed limit, “I want to bludgeon you over the head with a cactus,” consider instead saying, “I was in a bit of a rush to go see my wife give birth to our first child at the hospital.” (The birth card always works on the PD.)

So to give you an idea of how to deal with various scenarios in which you need to say what you mean without losing it, here are a few translations of communication gems courtesy of everyone’s favorite action star-cum-loose-cannon, Christian Bale.

Example #1: You think someone is sabotaging you.

The Christian Bale Way to Say It: Am I going to walk around and rip your ——- lights down, in the middle of a scene? Then why the —- are you walking right through? Ah-da-da-dah, like this in the background. What the —- is it with you? What don’t you ——- understand? You got any ——- idea about, hey, it’s ——- distracting having somebody walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the ——- scene? Give me a ——- answer! What don’t you get about it?

The Bond Way to Say It: I respect you, Dr. No. No one does nuclear physics like you. But when you try to sabotage the launch of American rockets at Cape Canaveral, it’s really a bit detrimental to my endeavors.

Example #2: No one else seems to notice that you’re getting messed with.
The Christian Bale Way to Say It: —– sake man, you’re amateur. McG, you got ——- something to say to this prick?… Well, somebody should be ——- watching and keeping an eye on him.

The Bond Way to Say It: Excuse me, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but those guys with the serving trays aren’t waiters. They’re Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd dressed as waiters. Their costumes are quite clever, so it’s natural that one wouldn’t recognize them as villains, but it’s them and they’re trying to assassinate me, which is really quite inconvenient.

Example #3: Someone is being very distracting.

The Christian Bale Way to Say It: It’s the second time that he doesn’t give a —- about what is going on in front of the camera, all right? I’m trying to ——- do a scene here, and I am going “Why the —- is Shane walking in there? What is he doing there?” Do you understand my mind is not in the scene if you’re doing that?

The Bond Way to Say It: Miss Onatopp– can I call you Xenia? Xenia, you’re a delight, really. But propping up your ta-tas is quite distracting, and I’m aware of that whole you suffocating Admiral Chuck Farrell business. So it would be best if you’d just put the puppies away, as I’m trying to focus on my mission.

Example #4: Someone will not shut up.

The Christian Bale Way to Say It: I’m going to ——- kick your ——- ass if you don’t shut up for a second! All right?

The Bond Way to Say It: Look, I’m sure you have many fascinating opinions. It’s just that I’m a bit busy polishing up my Walther PPK and can’t listen you right now.

Example #5: Someone is getting in the way of your mojo.

The Christian Bale Way to Say It: I’m going to go… Do you want me to ——- go trash your lights? Do you want me to ——- trash ’em? Then why are you trashing my scene?… You do it one more ——- time and I ain’t walking on this set if you’re still hired. I’m ——- serious. You’re a nice guy. You’re a nice guy, but that don’t ——- cut it when you’re ——- around like this on set.

The Bond Way to Say It: The name’s Bond. James Bond. And that’s all I need to keep my mojo intact.