I Watch For The Plot: R-Rated Porn

Well, here's a disturbing new trend.

Last week saw the DVD and Blu Ray release of the epic adult moviePirates 2: Scagnetti's Revenge, the sequel to the most expensive porno ever made and one of the most anticipated releases of the year, at least for those who anticipate such releases. Featuring an All Star cast including Jesse Jane, Belladonna, Sasha Grey, and this year's AVN Female Performer of the Year Jenna Haze, Pirates 2 is a tale of treachery and revenge on the high seas, all set along a backdrop of ejaculate and expansive buttholes. In short, it's everything you want in a porno. But if you bought it off of the new release shelf this week, you're in for a surprise: This version is sex-free!

You see, the version that was just released is the R-rated cut of the film; the X-rated version was released last September in a four-disc Collector's Edition set for the low, low price of $70. While this new one is cheaper (it's only $16.99 at Amazon.com) and has all of the plot and special effects of the original? and probably a fair amount of Skinemax-style boobage it's missing all of the close-up genital shots that make porno, well, porno. Just how much is it missing?

The X-rated version has a running time of 138 minutes. The new R-rated version runs a swift 95 minutes. That's 43 minutes of hardcore action you're missing out if you happen to purchase this stripped-down version. What you're getting, in essence, is the following YouTube clip, but with better lighting and more eyepatches.
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If you're asking yourself what kind of fools are buying this version anyway let alone the question of just who is spending $70 on a 4-disc Collector's Edition of any porno? Amazon already has your answer:

So pay close attention when you're out buying your masturbation material, folks. We don't want you to light the candles, set the mood lighting, and break out the lotion and tissues only to pop the DVD in and experience awful disappointment. You'll experience that feeling soon enough with your children, who will all be horrible, horrible failures.