What I Learned From Street Fighter II

What I Learned From Street Fighter II

Last week's release of Street Fighter IV got me thinking: Was there a video game with a bigger impact during my formative years than the classic Street Fighter II? Sure, Mortal Kombat made me aware of just how fragile the human body really is a claim quickly disputed by the Super Mario Brothers, who could ram their un-helmeted heads into hundreds of brick blocks without even sustaining the slightest concussion? and Mike Tyson's Punch Out taught me that the French are quivering pansies, but it was Street Fighter II that took me through an advanced course on life itself:

Lesson One: Despite being super fat, Sumo wrestlers have insanely quick hands.

While E. Honda might be best known for his ability to launch head-first into an opponent across the screen, an even more unsettling move to be on the opposite side of was the infamous Hundred Hand Slap, a blurry slapping machine of a move that left all-comers dazed and confused. As result, to this day I refuse to shake hands with any Sumo wrestler. Mostly because I'm scared they'll eat mine.

Lesson Two: All gay men are Spanish cage fighters.

Which is why, to this day, I will not say a disparaging thing about my penis-preferring brethren. You want me to vote against Proposition 8? Fine. Barbra Streisand is the greatest performer of all time? Whatever you say. Just don't use those Freddy Kruger-like claws on me.

Lesson Three: Race is an illusion.

As demonstrated by the two martial arts specialists Ryu and Ken, who, although are from Japan and America respectively, have the exact same moves as one another. This taught me that, deep down, we're all alike. It's like my great uncle used to always say All broads being the same color on the inside.But you know, not nearly as disgusting.

Lesson Four: Brazilians are fucking weird.

So let me get this straight? Brazilians are ape-like creatures with green skin, yellow hair and can somehow harness electricity through their bodies in order to subdue their opponents? Yeah, I think I'll go ahead and experience the wonders of Brazilian culture the way I currently do: through the creatively jiggled posteriors of their fine pornography.

Lesson Five: Practicing yoga gives you a large, retractable penis.

While the game never explicitly showed what kind of Little Buddha Dhalsim was packing under his loath cloth, you just know that being able to stretch his extremities to the max couldn't have hurt when it came to the ladies. As such, I have been a devout practitioner of yoga for the past decade. Ive gained a quarter-inch. I think.