Sex and the Suburbs: Telling the Tooth

Ok, so to recap last week’s post…  I went on a date off of this popular free site not too long ago.  The guy wrote that he was 5 ft. 10″, a nonsmoker and athletic  For our first (and only) encounter he wanted to meet with a friend… kind of a double blind date I guess?  Totally weird, but ok. He suggests we meet at this one bar in the area.  I share with him that I had been on a date there once before with a dude that I thought was kind of a regular… We still agree to meet there – Great plan!

All I can tell you is that I can remember walking up to the door and seeing these two drunk idiots coming out of the bar – lighting up cigarettes no less!  I said to my girl, “Please tell me these are not the guys!” and I hear, “Jill?”  The dude was nowhere near that height and had a potbelly stomach.  Not what I had expected.  Now I was already running late and a little bit cranky so this did not help.  To make matters worse, I was the designated driver for the evening.  Being that I am so petite, I can’t really drink much at all without getting lit so had the luxury of enduring the date while being stone-cold sober.  AWESOME!!

In any case, we are here, right? … So we go inside the bar.  I walk towards the bar with my girl and what do ya know, that dude (see paragraph #1) is sitting at the end of the bar right where I left him on our date a few weeks earlier… Simply Fabulous!  I let out a little chuckle as I mention this to my girl (as *Baba Booey eavesdrops) and head towards the ladies room to debrief the situation.

Jill:  “God Damn this shit – wtf?!?!  I don’t think I am going to make it.  What do you think of him?  Yours is a little better than mine at least.”

My Girl:  “Um ew….  Not at all.  And yours – totally ugly!  What is with the big sharp vampire teeth (*aka Baba Booey) ?”

Jill:  “I noticed that shit too… What the hell is that?  I didn’t notice that in the profile picture.  Maybe he photo-chopped em…”

My Girl:  “Well, let’s try to make the best of it since we are here.”

Jill:  “I guess- I am just thankful you are here with me.  Should be fun watching you drink.  I will try to behave.”

Back to the date…  Baba Booey and Fonz are belligerent at the bar.  Oh – did I mention they had to take a cab to meet us for the date?  Apparently they had gone to dinner earlier and drank a little too much so they had decided not to drive.  Responsible, yes…  First date scenario – Definitely a deal breaker!  At least try to arrive somewhat sober to your initial date.

And so it begins…  we get back to the bar and Baba Booey asks me what I want to drink. The piercing aroma of stale cigarettes and bud light are turning me on…  He buys us the first round. I can only have 2 drinks so I am desperately trying to drink ever so slowly  Every minute with this guy feels like an hour.  This night is going to leave a mark!

Baba Booey begins questioning me about the previous date I had been on, wanting me to point the guy out.  Now we are not talking a crowded bar, we are talking about an overpriced, family oriented restaurant/bar type venue.  The bar area itself was kind of small and there were maybe 15 or so people at the bar – that’s it!  So when this mentally challenged moron is asking me this, the dude can totally hear him!  It was awful and I am awfully sober.  This annoying crap with him wanting to know about the dude occurred throughout the night.  Booey was perseverating about this shit and it was annoying!

He barely makes any conversation, let alone any interesting conversation.  All he does is ask me question after question and periodically throws in, “Just tell me, which one is he?  I want to know.”

To which I keep answering something like, “Seriously, can you please drop it already?  My god…”

I was really turned off by his lack of personality and couth.  Let me elaborate for you…

Baba Booey: “So you are in really good shape.  You really are a runner?”

Unlike him, I told the truth on my profile …

Myself: “Yeah, I am totally into running.”

Baba Booey: “Well you can tell…”  He says this as he creepily stares me up and down

Although it doesn’t feel at all like a compliment, I try my best to keep my poker face and thank him.

Baba Booey: “I used to run, but I haven’t in a while…”

Baba Booey: “So would ya run if it was like 30 degrees?”

Myself: “Yes, I run year-round outdoors.”

Baba Booey: “What if it was like 15 degrees?  Would ya run then?”

*See my previous answer for an idea of my response.  Now this type of questioning went on for some time.  I can see this guy is both sober and intellectual… So far, best date ever…

Baba Booey: “Yeah, that’s cool  I used to run and play football in high school, but now I just don’t have time.  I try to go to the gym when I get out of work if I am not too tired. I don’t know how you do it… getting up at 5:30 in the morning to work-out.  I am not a morning person.”

Myself:  “I am not a morning person either, there is just not enough time in the day so I wake up early to work-out.  It’s a sacrifice, but I’m committed … It is what it is!”

Baba Booey:  “Are you gonna tell me who this guy is or what?”

Myself: “No – drop it.”‘

I then start to tune him out and at this point, I was probably being rude, but I was not having fun – not one bit and having a very hard time hiding it.  My girl is at least catching a buzz so at least someone is getting something out of this!

He eventually excuses himself to have a cigarette…  Because he is a non-smoker…  Oh the lies!

At this point I can hear the conversation between my girl and the Fonz who are sitting next to me.  He is bragging about how he is very established and discussing the ins and outs of his job (electrician) and blah, blah, blah….  My friend is taking things in stride and taking shots here and there.  I can tell she is not into this guy, but at least she can utilize numbing agents.  I then hear her asking where he lives and he admits he lives with his parents!  In his 30’s and talking himself up saying how he is financially stable and you live with your parents???  I feel my friend nudge me in my leg… At that point, I wonder to myself – If I had been able to drink freely, would I maybe have a decent time with Baba Booey?  This scares me even more.  That’s it I tell myself… No more hard alcohol on first dates, I am sticking with beer – it’s a safer option if I want to have some sort of clarity.

Baba Booey returns from sucking in his cancer stick and the four of us engage in less than stimulating conversation.

Fonz loudly says, “Let’s do some more shots!”

My Girl:  “I am in!”

I am already on my second and final drink so I decline.  My girl and the dingbats pound the shot.

Baba Booey: “You have to tell me…C’mon on!”

My Girl interjects: “Dude, what is your problem?  You really need to let it go.  Enough already!”

At that point, I am at my wits end and I turn to my girl, “Ready to go?”

My Girl: “Definitely”

Myself:  “I am tired Baba Booey, we are gonna head out”

Baba Booey:  “Oh – well we’ll walk you out.”

They walk us to the parking lot.  My friend gives the Fonz a hug and kiss on the cheek.  I shake Baba Booey’s hand.

Myself:  “Nice to meet you.  Thanks for the drinks – Get home safe.”

My girl and I get into my truck and she takes out her cell and calls the guy she is seeing, sort of.  We start to pull away and the Fonz runs up to the window and starts tapping for me to open it.

At this point I hear my girl say, “Just go, just go…”

It all happened kind of fast and as she was saying that I hit the button to open the window.  The Fonz then asks for my girls number to which she replies (while keeping the phone to her ear mind you), “I have a boyfriend!”  Classic!

So we decide to head over to the bar we had originally intended to hit- prior to this worthwhile dual dating extravaganza  A singles bar in the same town where we’ve scouted very cute boys in the past.  Well, halfway through our drink, we see those idiots had the same idea and are at the other end of the bar trying to pick up some college girls without success.  In addition, the dude from the date weeks ago has now ventured there as well.  I turn to my girl and we decide the night is a bust and head home.

The best part though, was at about 8:00 in the morning when I hear my phone beeping that I have a text message.  I roll over and open the phone and it is from Baba Booey.

It said:

“You looked better in your pictures”

I laugh – well at least he is not bitter! On that note, I roll over to go back to sleep while thinking to myself, another awesome date… Yay!