Carnal Knowledge: First Date No-Nos and Female Orgasms

Bad first dates. We’ve all been on them. I have been dating for approximately 13 years. In that span of time, I’ve been on a lot of first dates. Some are amazing. The type that get turned into movies starring Ethan Hawke. This column is not about that type of first date. This column is about the type of date where you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and contemplate prying open the painted-shut window and running for your life. The type where you call your best friend and tell her to call you with an emergency because your date may or may not be planning to lure you into a windowless van and dump your body in a dry riverbed (I really did almost do that once, but my conscience got the better of me).

The following is a list of things to avoid doing on a first date. They are not plucked out of the aether (or my imagination). They are things that have actually happened to me and generally revolve around filtering things through your brain before you blurt them out and send her heading for the hills. I write this column in the hopes that I can save other unsuspecting girls from the same terrible fate.

What Not to Do on a First Date

Taking a girl on a picnic is cute and romantic. Taking a girl on a picnic and serenading her with a song you wrote about her in preparation for the date is creepy.

Try to recognize when a girl is joking around with you. If she jokes that she should’ve been born French because she could subsist almost solely on cheese, bread and red wine, do not respond, “Oh, not me. Cheese gives me the worst gas and sometimes diarrhea” and then take an enormous bite of the baked goat cheese appetizer.

When your date orders an alcoholic beverage, do not use that as your segue into telling her about your AA membership and how you are a recovering alcoholic.

Addendum to the above: do not use your 12-step program story to spring on her the fact that you have a 6 year-old daughter. It’s great that you are a recovering alcoholic and it’s great that you’re a father. But seriously within the first 10 minutes of a date?

When the doorman at the restaurant opens the door for you, do not push your date aside and walk through the door first. I’m not saying you have to be all old-fashioned, but when your date is clearly ahead of you, there is no need to shove her out of the way so you can enter the restaurant ahead of her. That’s rude. That guy is lucky I didn’t just leave.

There is no need to tell your date that you have an erection and that it’s 6 inches (or whatever yours is) long. In fact, just keep the penis-talk for another time. Like the second date.

When you email her after the date, do not say, “I had a really nice time tonight. If you’d be up for a no-strings-attached fuck session, I’d totally be down for that.” I mean, seriouslyget a fucking filter, dude.

Female Orgasms

I hope that the above amused and entertained you, but let me assure you that all of them happened to me . So the next time you’re out on a first date, try to keep in mind that scaring the crap out of a girl is probably not the way into her pants. Or even another date. We now have a reader question to address for this week’s column.

Reader Nick writes, “Can you address the question of female orgasms. Like when a girl gushes liquid… is it pee? or cum? And what is the best way to make a girl come?

This is actually a really good question, Nick. Let me first start off by saying that I am not a medical doctor nor do I play one on TV. I did actually consult with good friend of mine who is a doctor to make sure I have all my facts straight, but this answer is just based on my personal experience and the knowledge that I’ve garnered over the years.

That being said, I’d like to start with the difference between vaginal lubrication and “cum.” As women get sexually aroused, they naturally produce lubrication. This is nice because it makes sex a lot easier and it just feels better for both parties involved. If you are looking for a male counterpart to compare it to, vaginal lubrication is like our version of pre-cum.

Female ejaculation is very similar to male ejaculation. It is slightly more acidic and the amount is generally less, but the chemical composition is very similar. It is not urine, though both male and female cum do contain small amounts of urine. It is simply the body’s response to achieving orgasm.

Now, pornography would have you believe that only some women come and when they do it shoots 20 feet across the room and hits somebody in the face. In fact, all women come, but the amount and exuberance vary quite a bit from woman to woman. For instance, when I come, there is some cum produced, but it doesn’t come gushing out so I don’t think guys really notice it. It definitely isn’t as obvious as when a man ejaculates.

As far as the best way to make a girl come the easy answer is it depends on the girl. Just like it depends on the guy. I had a guy once tell me I give the best head he’s ever had and a year later I had a different guy tell me I wasn’t really getting it done for him. It wasn’t because my technique changed. I mean, after hearing one guy say, “You are, in all seriousness, the best head I’ve ever had,” I was feeling pretty good about my technique. But not all guys are the same and guy #2 did not enjoy my technique as much as guy #1.

That being said, let’s talk about the female orgasm for a second. There is a lot of controversy surrounding the different types of female orgasm, going all the way back to an unproven theory of Freud’s about how when women reach adulthood they no longer have clitoral orgasms and only have vaginal ones. As a woman who has reached adulthood, I can categorically say that is not true.

The clitoris is a small little area on the outside of the vagina and stimulating it (with your finger, with your tongue, with a vibrator even with running water) feels amazing. For most women. This is the area where most female orgasms originate. The percentages vary depending on the study you read. I’ve read 60% of women reach orgasm from clitoral stimulation and I’ve read numbers as high as 85%. For this column’s purposes, let’s split the difference and say 75% of women need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm.

Some experts will say that every woman can achieve an orgasm simply from vaginal stimulation, but if that’s true then I am doing something really wrong. Because I have tried. And tried. For hours. In different positions. And vaginal intercourse by itself cannot bring me to orgasm. I also know many females for whom this is also the case. The other 25% can definitely achieve an orgasm from intercourse alone. Lucky bitches.

However, pretty much every girl I know (clitoral and vaginal orgasmers alike) enjoy it the most when both areas are stimulated. In fact, my favorite way to have sex is for a guy to be fucking me while I reach down and play with myself. I come every time and I can usually time it so we come together. It feels amazing. That might be something to try with your special lady friend.

If you’d rather be the one playing with her down there, please keep in mind that the clitoris is extremely sensitive. A lot of guys go down there and rub around like it’s a new joystick for their gaming system. That doesn’t feel good. It hurts. Be gentle down there. When you’re first starting out, tease it. Lightly manipulate it. As she gets her motor running, you can apply more pressure or be a little rougher. The key is to listen to her response. Vocalizations and breathing are a HUGE indicator.

As I get turned on, I start to moan and my breathing deepens. It’s really not hard to tell what I enjoy. I realize that not every girl is as free-wheeling with her oohs, ahhs and oh-god-yesses as I am. But there are still signs.

A quick word on oral sex. Oral sex is awesome. Having your clit stimulated by a guy’s tongue is amazing and an occasional orgasm that way is great. However, a lot of women like having both their clitoris and their vagina stimulated and the feeling of a finger or two or three inserted while you tongue her is not the same as one nice, long, thick cock. It’s just not the same. Plus if you’re fucking her, you are also free to kiss her neck or suck on her nipples. So I highly suggest trying my favorite technique: fuck a girl, you on top, her on bottom, while you play with her clit or she plays with herself. That makes it easier to stimulate the clit. For some reason, I have found that woman-on-top or doggie style makes it more difficult. There’s also a lot to be said about going down on a girl and also fucking her with a vibrator/dildo, if you feel comfortable doing that.

The key is to find out what your partner likes. Sure, my ego was bruised for a second when my boyfriend said he didn’t like the way I give head. But I decided that instead of pouting about it, I needed to figure out what he liked so I could give him a good blowjob. So we had a little lesson. Take my generalities and run with them, but make sure to find out what is unique about your partner’s likes and dislikes.

Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Email clairesebastian@gmail.com. See you guys next week!