A Manly Guide to Choosing Your Drink

There is a dirty rumor in the pick-up community claiming it is better to stay sober when gaming women in bars and clubs. We can argue semantics… but I’ll just say you’ll never see Bobby Rio clinging to a club soda. Yea… you’re game tends to be a little tighter when you’re not red faced, wobbly, and slurring your words… but you don’t have as much fun, do you?I mean all of my most memorable nights have involved me waking up, looking at the girl next to me and thinking, “what the hell happened last night?”

So the real question isn’t should you or shouldn’t you drink when you hit the bars… the real question is what kind of drink will best serve your purpose.

Your drink always serves two purposes: to get you hammered, and to make you look cool in the process.

You don’t think I actually enjoy the endless rounds of SoCo and lime shots I guzzle down, or the unnecessary twelve packs I always grab for the after party.

No these are all part of the show. Shit I hate the taste of booze. If I drank alone I’d probably be sipping Bay Breezes or some kind of Dairies, maybe a Pina Coloda… but there are certain rules you need to follow in social environments.

The rules bend a little depending on the location… but certain ones are set in stone.

Never order anything they are going to serve you in a plastic cup. You tend to find this atrocity at bars that are near college campuses. These plastic cup drinks are usually reserved for the drink special of the night. You know… the $1 Miller Light draft or the $3 Margarita.

These drinks not only taste like shit as they’re usually stale beer, or bottom shelf tequila drowned in sour mix… but you look cheap drinking them. What does it say to everyone that you will sacrifice the enjoyment of your drink to save a buck?

Hell, even if I planned on drinking Miller anyway, I would pay extra to have them pour it in a pint glass.

Never order anything frozen or served in a novelty glass with a funny straw… unless you’re sitting on a beach in the Caribbean. You think this one would be self explanatory but I never fail to see some schlep slurping on Mudslide wondering why he hasn’t been laid in a year. Drinking one of the “vacation” drinks sends out the vibe that you don’t get out often. In fact it says that your life sucks so bad that trolling around this shitty bar is actually an “event” for you.

The only exception to this rule is ordering a Margarita at a Mexican joint.

Anything ordered on the rocks looks cool. Let’s face it. Rocks glasses are cool. It doesn’t much matter what’s in the glass so long as it’s clear or brown.

Remember clear or brown… I don’t care how much you liked the Big Lebowski it’s never acceptable to order a White Russian.

The name of the drink is more important than what is inside it. Because someone is going to hear you order it, or inevitably some girl will ask you what you’re drinking, and you don’t want to have to respond “Fuzzy Navel.”

Generally, anything with a novelty name like Alabama Slammer, Sex on the Beach, Malibu Bay Breeze, Buttery Nipple, or Kamikaze are off limits.

And I don’t care how good you think it taste… you are never ever to order a Cosmo. Never. Never.

A safe bet is to order something your grandfather would have drank. There will be times when you freeze like a deer in headlights when the bartender asks “what you drinking.” Your first reaction may be to spit out “Michelob Ultra” but you need to regroup and imagine what your grandfather would have ordered.

Back in his day, men were men, and they drank scotch on the rocks, rye and coke, Manhattan, rusty nail… they didn’t ruin the integrity of their vodka by splashing cranberry juice in it.

So remember it is quite alright to get a little sauced when you hit the bars… in fact I even encourage it. But you must look cool in the process.