How to Buy a Yacht

“Do the hot chicks just come with the yacht? Or do you have to buy them separately?”

I’ve only been on a yacht once… but after spending an afternoon touring around the bay of Buzios near Rio de Janeiro, owning a yacht is definitely on my dream list of things to own. (Also known as the list of things I’ll probably never have)

Very few moments in my life have lived up to expectations the way cruising around on a yacht did. Sure, the fact I was with good friends, I was drunk as a skunk, and the yacht was filled with half naked Brazilian prostitutes, made things all that much sunnier.

It’s been repeated many times that the key to achieving any dream is having a plan for getting there… so I thought I would write a post on how to buy a yacht. Then I’ll follow my 31 Days Designing Your Life advice and visualize myself on the yacht… imagine the feeling of being surrounded by Eastern European models as I cruise the French Riviera…

How to Buy a Yacht

First you have to choose what kind of yacht fits your needs. Yachts go from a couple hundred thousand up to tens of millions. I think we all want the ten million dollar yacht, no?

There are four basic categories of yacht: production, semi-custom, fully custom, and brokerage. First decide which of these bets suits your needs… and your halfway to the Riveria.

Production Yachts

Productions yachts are for the cheap folk who can’t afford a custom one. These yachts are turned out on a production line like a common automobile. They all have the same look and feel, and there are few options to personalize the boat. (it’s not a boat it’s a Yacht) How you going to feel when some newly rich mortgage broker is cruising around in the same yacht as you? Not so hot, right? Not to mention these yachts are generally smaller… I think we’ll pass on a production model.

Semi Custom Yachts

Semi custom yachts are like production yachts that allow you to change some things around before it’s due to be launched. It’s like going to Kohl’s for your clothes… and then having them tailored… Who are you really fooling?

Sure some of your hometown “middle class” friends might be impressed. But you’ll be the laughing stock of Cannes pulling up in one of these. It just screams supped up Honda Accord.

I think we’re going to have to pass on a semi custom as well.

Fully Custom Yacht

Now we’re finally keeping up with the Jones’s. This yacht might actually steal Paris Hilton and her friends away from that creepy Greek shipping heir parked a mile away.

You can build it anyway you please, which means mine will be the biggest, sickest, gaudiest ode to 70s porn you can find. This is the kind of boat you throw wild coke fueled orgies on…

I will sink every dollar I have into making sure that when I pull up to the Riviera every one gets all quiet and awkward, whispering “Bobby Rio has arrived! Bobby Rio has ARRIVED.”

Shopping for your Yacht

The fourth category of yachts is brokerage yachts. These are the used yachts that a bunch of Realtors had to sell when the housing market crashed. Not that I’m totally against buying a used yacht. There are plenty of down and out celebrities that might have to pawn off a yacht from time to time. These might be a good steal. I mean even Brett Michaels just bought Roger Clemens’s Bentley.

Once you’ve decided what kind of yacht you want you need to find a reliable, skilled, yacht broker. Reputable yacht brokers will direct you to online listings and send you yacht brochures for review. This will help you narrow the field of available yachts to a number that you and the broker can inspect in person together, or to a number of shipyards that you and the broker can visit if you decide to go with a semi-custom or fully custom design. Plus, chances are this guy will know where you can find the Lithuanian models to fill the yacht with.

The easiest place to tour yachts is at boat shows. And remember “Nothing creates the illusion of wealth like owning a boat.” This translates to “You will look like a big shot just showing up at a boat show.” And I’m sure there are plenty of boat show groupies hanging around.

The two biggest shows in the United States each year are held in Miami in mid-February and in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, at the end of October. There are also major boat shows throughout Europe and the rest of the world all year round. (Next year we’ll hold the Wingman Weekend at a boat show)

Sea trials can also be arranged for yachts that interest you the most. I wonder if you can request the yacht filled with women so you can get the true feel.

You can also tour the shipping yards… but what fun would that be? The only people hanging around the shipping yards are “the help.” And you don’t want to mingle with them.

Yes, I think a boat show is the way to go. Who’s heading to Ft. Lauderdale with me in October?