Are you “the Man” or Just “the Fan?”

Recently, I was doing a telephone Life Coaching session for a 19-year old young man named Dan. I am used to young men coming to me for confidence boosting and for improving their internal and external relationship with the opposite sex. This young man, though, had an additional problem that he and many others often need help with: discerning a girl’s interest or lack of interest.

He had recently had a bad blow to his intuitive confidence in this area when he had thought that a beautiful and single girl that went to his health club was interested him. He claimed that “all the signals were there.” She had been smiling at him and eagerly said hello to him every time he came into the gym; They had good conversations and she seemed receptive to and appreciative of his frequent compliments. He was sure she was into him and even admitted to me that he started envisioning how jealous his friends would be when he landed this hot babe.

He was to find out, though, when he asked her out for coffee, that she was not into him. She expressed to him that she saw him as a “cool guy and a friend.” Ouch. We all have heard some variation of this in our lives and we know it is not an easy thing to hear. Like many of us, this incident left Dan confused and filled with self-doubt about his women-reading skills.

I explained to him that this was a frequent mistake I see in men: They don’t know how to tell the difference between when a girl wants them or their attention. They don’t understand how to tell, put into my own little rhyme sequence, if she is looking at him as “the man or a fan.”

Lets get this fact straight fellas: Women love attention- just in case you have not noticed. They spend exorbitant amounts of money on makeup, gym memberships, plastic surgery, clothes, etc. to beautify themselves.

Especially to hotter girls that are used to getting the attention, this attention becomes like a drug. Many women measure themselves based on how many men hit on them or give them second glances. With this fact in mind, it is very important to keep in mind that when you think that a girl is into you, especially a very hot one, she may be really into the attention that you are showering her with. This does not mean that she does not think that you are attractive or that there is no chance of changing her interest, but you must learn to tell the difference if you don’t want to waste your time and set yourself up for needless rejection. So, by now you are probably wondering how you tell if you are “the man or just a fan.”

Before I go into giving some very good and specific tips let me first issue a disclaimer about anything cookie cutter when it comes to human behavior. Psychology is not an exact science and a lot of the advice about human behavior is true to the extent that it shows trends. This principle will be interwoven in some of the pointers that I address.

Below are 2 general principles and tips for judging a girls interest or lack of it. Pay careful attention as you read and do not read this hastily. There are many more but these 2 seem reoccurring- not only my own experience with women, but also from having women as Life Coaching clients and friends.

1) Most of the time if a woman is truly attracted to you she is going to be self-conscious around you. She is going to seem a little nervous and cognizant of her behavior. Watch particularly if you think you look good oneday for her tugging at the bottom of her shirt by her stomach area: This is usually a sign that she thinks you are attractive and wants to measure up. If you are interested in the exact psychology behind this: in short the stomach area is a part of a woman’s body that she is usually very conscientious about. Watch also for her brushing her hair back nervously.

There is an important principle to keep in mind when seeking to understand women: Women actually like being nervous sometimes. When we men go on a date we like to take pride in how calm, cool, and collected we were and try to find ways not to feel and appear nervous. Women, by contrast, often like to feel the “butterflies” in their stomach and like to feel that they are “being kept on their toes.” It sounds crazy but it is true.

If a woman seems not to care about the impression that she is making on you then most likely you are “just a fan.” I don’t just mean a physical impression either. I remember a few years back I was not sure if this very attractive girl that I worked with was into me. There was a group of us who ate lunch together in the building cafeteria that talked politics regularly and with a lot of zeal and passion. She ate with us but never said much during these conversations, but did smile at me and listened when I spoke. One day we were alone in the cafeteria and a news story came on television about the war in Iraq. On this particular day she had a lot to say and I looked at her quite impressed. She confessed in a cute way that she had asked her friend who knew a lot about the war to fill her in because she wanted to appear smart in front of me. Right then I knew that I was not just “a fan” and I got her number. You guys get the point by now: If a girl is not trying to overtly impress you, not a group of you, nor really look like she really cares what you think and is a little nervous, most likely you are unfortunately “just a fan.”

2) Is she asking you questions about yourself? Bottom line guys: If a girl is not asking you questions about yourself most likely she is not into you. If a girl is interested in you, she will want to know more about you and will find a way to ask you. If she wants to know if you have a girlfriend you don’t have to tell her- she probably will find a cute way of asking. She will find ways to be closer to you and look for excuses to ask you questions.

My friend Scott and I were in A&P a few weeks ago. We usually stop by there after the gym and there was a hot chick working there behind the courtesy desk that goes to our gym. Scott said that she had been smiling at him a little in the gym but he was not sure if it was friendly or personalized to him. They had exchanged pleasantries but the conversations were always short because she was working out with friends. He bought a 6-pack of soy yogurts and I told him to go ask her if she could ring him up. I walked over with him and she saw his yogurts and asked him ifthey were good- she had never tried them she said. Then she asked him something that sealed the deal and left no room for doubt. She noticed on his keychain that he had a keytag for PETCO. She asked him if he had a dog and as he answered her questions, she asked more questions. I walked away. Not surprisingly, he got her number and was out with her that weekend.

To close, I want to tell a quick story. A few months ago I was on a teleseminar conference call about addictions with one of America’s best health experts, David Simon. A participant asked him about her habit of drinking a large Starbucks coffee every day. “I am not sure if it is an addiction…”, she stated. He cut her off and said “If you are asking about it, then it probably is an addiction.” She laughed and knew that it was true. Using the same principle, if you are wondering and find yourself asking if a girl is into you, then, like the caller, the answer is probably what you do not want to hear: that she is not into you, and you are unfortunately a “fan” and not “the man.”

Thank you

Justin –