Be a Man Not A Jerk

I found this in a recent Cliff’s list newsletter. It goes hand in hand with what Mike Stoute and myself teach about being a man. A REAL MAN!

Can’t You Be A MAN Without Being An IDIOT/JERK?

Once upon a time I got a call from a woman I had just met on-line that day (and would date soon thereafter). She wanted my opinion on whether to go out on a third date with a certain guy. (Now, if she has to ask, there is a 100% probability she is shouldn’t go in any case, but I digress.) The first date had happened a week or so prior. She had felt manipulated and such all night, and the guy had been pushy about the sex thing right from the beginning. All the while, he wasn’t really interested in learning much about her otherwise. Well, he didn’t get what he was looking for, so the second date (which she somehow agreed to) was much of the same. They went out to a bar, and when he pushed to take her back to his place, she refused and went home to her own place instead. Now, all the while, the guy is (predictably) piling on lots of compliments, buying the drinks, etc. After that, he told her that she should come over to his place for dinner for date #3 . Once again, there was lots of pressure being felt.

So she called me.

Once I understood the situation as fully as I was going to, I agreed that if she didn’t feel comfortable with this guy and was more distraught about the thought of dating him than excited about it, she should call him up and cancel. And I told her one more thing…not to be surprised when she told him this if he turned on her and started insulting her and telling her “she wasn’t all that anyway”. I told her that when and if this happens, she should not take any of it personally and in fact see it as ultimate confirmation that she made the right choice. Fifteen minutes later I got a text message that read, “He did exactly what you said he’d do. Surprisingly, I feel fine, relieved. Thanks!”

You’re welcome. By the way, I’m no genius. It’s just that guys like the one she was dealing with are so blasted predictable. They’re the ones that women typically label as “Idiots” or “Jerks”, or “I/Js” for short.

So despite successful manipulation into going on two dates, the I/J did NOT ultimately get the girl in the scenario above, contrary to popular belief regarding what’s typical.

Why not?

The easy answer is that it’s NOT I/Js who get women, it’s MEN who get women. But is all MALE behavior necessarily BAD behavior like some of us have been brainwashed into believing these days?

I’ve got great news for you. You can be a MAN without being an I/J. Let’s break down the difference between how I/J’s act and how REAL men act. This should get rid of any confusion.

Idiot/Jerks can be characterized as:

1) Selfish. Especially sexually.

2) Lacking respect for women’s thoughts, needs, differences, or even their very personhood.

3) Impatient. Demanding and expecting immediate gratification.

4) Arrogant. They think they are better than you.

5) Manipulative. e.g. “If you were a nice person, you would…”

6) Meat-headed. Mental synapse disasters fueled by testosterone.

Manhood in and of itself is neither idiotic nor jerky. All men are indeed not I/J’s. In this culture, Men Behaving Badly have become stereotypical enough that all things masculine are sometimes thought to be negative. Confounded by this, many men overcompensate. This means that in an attempt to portray a positive image to a woman, all masculinity essentially gets swept under the carpet. That’s, of course, how guys fall into the “Nice Guy” trap and eventually land in the “Just Be Friends” sandbox. As every woman who has ever been with a guy who failed to attract her knows, the opposite of being an I/J is NOT being feminine. At least it had better not be if you want to succeed with women.

So, for the record, here are some male traits that are NOT necessarily I/J traits. Note that I/J traits above tend to be extreme versions or outright perversions of these:

1) Leadership. He has the date planned without her input, thank you…but somehow it’s perfect because he planned it around doing something natural and fun.

2) Chivalry. Don’t let the occasional woman who acts “insulted” when you open the door for her affect you. Chivalry is about honor not insult. Oh, and it’s not “kissing up” either unless you make it such.

3) Calmness / low reaction. Men are not I/Js if they talk or emote less.

4) Cockiness / confidence. “Face it. You love me. LOL.” And so much better when funny, as well-documented by David D. et al of course. Note here the all-important difference between “cockiness” and “arrogance”.

5) Sexual. Men and women all want sex. We are created that way. It’s how we act upon it that makes all the difference.

6) Looks at pretty women. Studies show it’s archetypal and hard wired chemically in men…there’s no changing it. So there’s nothing WRONG with you for noticing attractive women.

Here’s something ironic. Remember my phone conversation? My new acquaintance said something very key the next time we talked. She mentioned that she was really frustrated with this guy for screwing things up. She thought he was a “hottie” and had gone in with high expectations. So imagine that…had the guy been a MAN instead of an I/J, things would have gone much differently for him. But I/J’s don’t get it, do they?